David Bowie has a song, five years, its my favorite. i don't know why. i just like the bit about five years…. and my brain hurts a lot. and all of the shit that's going on and he then compliments some girl in an ice cream shop… that kills me funny. but that's what my life is like. a lot of turmoil, surrounding a fine looking girl enjoying a bit of ice cream. much of the turmoil i brought on myself. i never deny that. i went looking for pain and pleasure and often found it. but between the finds….…

i love coffee. i dont think i could give that up. and chocolate. i am pretty sure that life would cease to exist if either of those should disappear. so for the sake of humanity, namely mine, save the rainforests! i dont mean the frogs, lizards spiders birds, bugs, beetles, animals, fish or reptiles. save the ground that grows chocolate and coffee. and if you are a scientist reading this…. i suggest to you experimenting with combining the two… i for one would wait in line for that shit. subscriptions to it would fill my in box. if you could…

my husband texted me tonight. he said he remembers when he came out of his coma last year…. and he looked into my brown eyes. and how wonderful that was. how beautiful life was. i thought then that we had a new lease on life. we could erase all the times he pinned me to the floor. or choked my breath out. or shoved me against the kitchen counter while my babies watched. i was willing to forget it all. and then things escalated. he held the gun in my hand and pointed it to his head. he said he…

and thank goodness something can. because for so long i looked for something to change the way i felt. drugs, liquor, sex, whatever the night left on my doorstep would do. i couldn't change fast enough. i was quick to abandon friends and family and lovers and pets… anything keeping me from getting away from myself. then i got clean. and music sounded differently. and food tasted all wrong. and men were gross and annoying. and my family was twisted. and my friends were all gone. and i treated myself as a second class citizen. and i grew up, and…

i have spent a good part of my life climbing bridges, climbing buildings, climbing mountains, and climbing walls. i have usually found myself right back where i started in the morning. on the ground. fortunately i never took a bad fall. i hate to fall. terrifies me. i went skydiving once and passed out on the way down. i have never been that paralysed with fear. but i came too and enjoyed the rest of the ride. and i even went again. i have jumped off 90 foot cliffs, into still water. nothing on earth feels quite like the hug…

ive attached a bell to the kitchen door. its very sensitive, and like any good alarm it alerts the dog and then me of anyone coming or going. i did this because with fans running its nearly impossible to hear that door open, and i worried about him coming back to the house to take revenge. i could not afford to replace the locks or get any fancy security system hooked up. but between the rottweiler and the bell i am feeling fairly secure. i listen to music to make everything else go away. the fighting boys. the unpaid bills.…

my plants need watered. my garage needs cleaned. my laundry needs done. my dog needs a bath. my boys need to get to the park. my car needs emptied. my dishwasher needs a head stone. my hair is falling out. my boobs are losing the war against gravity. my house needs a maid. my kitchen needs a cook. my garden need love. my life needs a break. i can not do it all today. i can not do it all tomorrow. i am paralysed by fear and self doubt. my husband said that i got everything i wanted. but he…

my youngest son thinks its hilarious when you do the thumb trick. He is four and he knows most people can not do it. but there is a special few who can really really take their thumb off. and its those people he searches out. I think its fair to say he is at that perfect gullible age. when life is still magical and wonderous. when all the lightning bugs in the tree across the street really are fairies. and frosty the snowman really will dance if the right hat is put up on his head.He asks me to tickle…

here's the deal god. i am broken to tears tonight. my strength is halved and then halved again. my husband has beaten me beyond words physically, mentally emotionally and spiritually. thegrass has grown waist high because i am working a half assed sales job to put food on the table and to tired to muster the strength to push that ill working mower around the yard when i get through standing and smiling all day long, even as the bank comes to take my house away. i know its been a fucking long time since i hit the floor with…

damn hot here. i am not sure but it may be above a hundred. it hurts to keep my eyes open, and the kids and the dog are hoging up the fans. nothing to do but dance… cause once your hot there really is nothing else… i am old enough to remember caffine water…. and i cant understand where it went… that was brilliant. i am trying to figure how i can market cocain water…. not that i want to get high but my energy is so low. and my motivation is even lower. i need a pick me up…