every muscle is stiff. suffocating. like a deer in head lights. impending doom, and body remains rigid, no matter how loudly the brain hollers 'RUN". no place to go. walls caving in. first a sandy slip of dusting from above. like somebody kicked in some soil. then like an earthquake surrounding it all comes down. i am in it now. my body if it could move would have no shot at stopping it all from rushing in to this hole. wild here i stand motionless and all i want is for someone to tie my shoe… its come undone. and…

like rain drops falling on my head. or like separating solid from a solution. what is the solution? and if he was the solid force behind the hatred and the disgust and the baffling burdens hung around my neck then what am i? who are you? said the hookah smoking caterpillar to the little lady in blue frock. i haven't a clue. the young adults i work with would answer this question simply…. money; animals;computer games; girlfriends; boyfriends; cooking; etc. i haven't a clue. i am not money or friends or family. i have at times been those things but…

would like to renovate my life. i have taken inventory and recognized a need to throw some crap away. other things are worth reinvesting in. and still others could use additions, like an extra wing for guests. I could use an immediate spring cleaning. god the crap i have carried with me for so long. like tiny air filled cushions to catch me when he pushed. and he pushed me more often the not. i told a friend recently that i watched my husband look for the frame work beneath the drywall sometimes. he would knock along the wall mentally…

we were quarantined at the hospital last night. both my sons had some strange rash all over their tiny bodies. and i didn't think it should wait till morning. we were whisked away to a little room and masks and funny gowns. it was a panic short lived but for a moment i was highly concerned that my world might fall apart. apparently they have a viral infection and a bacterial infection. Probably from eating dirt sandwiches at the park. i am grossed out. boys are fascinated with things getting in their mouths. i am fascinated with washing hands and…

i remember standing in line to get a hot dog. i think it was like 7 or 8 grade. we were at some amusement park and my dad had just waited for an hour to get on this spectacular roller coaster. we were next in line when it broke. we had to disperse with the rest of the huge crowd, defeated by fate. my father asked if i was hungry. i was. we began to wait in another line for a hot dog. he lost his cool. i told him it did not matter but he really became irrationally angry.…

fence between us. i want what's on the other side. come touch me. run your fingers down my side. watch me shiver, feel my skin dance beneath your fingers. as you drag down…. my tiny hairs bounce back, letting me know every inch you slide across. your hands move into position behind me, i can feel them on my hips. you push gently as you wrap around my waist forcing my back to arch ever so slightly and redirecting my bum toward the sky. my hands are firmly planted on the cushion beneath me so as not to lose my…

i did think the tension was abating and the reins were loosening and my world was spinning a bit less out of control. i really thought the worst was over. i was preparing the boys to see their daddy. we made birthday cards. and we tied laces and grabbed hoodies and we headed to the park early. he would be surprised to see them early. he would have nothing to bitch about. the boys raced from my car to see him. excitement danced from their eyes to his. i stood back and allowed this to be their moment. then i…

i have drawn a blank. i wanna push through. i am persistent and a procrastinator so this moment for me is excruciating. i feel like an echo unheard. just resounding off the wide open peaks…. after the apocalypse. not that i have nothing to write about…. i have it all. so much confusion, pain, frustration… panic as i spin into and then out of focus. but somehow holding myself still and warming under a blanket seem so much better then typing a word or more with frozen numb fingers. if i could cry it would be frozen off one nostril…

i stir the pot of water. then i forget why. what goes in? what should have come out? why am i standing here? am i being watched? i have lost my mind. i stick my hand in the boiling water. i feel nothing so i must be dead. the leaves fall off the trees. and i smile back at the ghost in my mind. the one that remembers my youth. and refuses to give up her secrets. secrets that unfolded under trees just like the one outside my door. i pull my hand from the heat. its fine. did i…

" do ya think they are content with half a home?" my friend said. " never really thought much about it…. but i would gather they are not!" the fishes swim with in centimeters of the glass, and turn around. but instinct tells them to keep going in the other direction. i would be miserable if my bones and blood said go. but my confines said no. they are just fish… and jellies…. and octopuses. after all no real thoughts rattling around right? i just don't know? that octopus surely looked like she was fucking with me. and her allure…