how am i here again? HOW AM I HERE AGAIN? maybe i did not get it the first time… which is hilarious because i took such perfect notes. what the fuck. soooo. my husband is in shock trauma in baltimore. he went over the handlebars of his 75 harley davidson which he bought with the money he did not send to us for birthdays and christmas and child support. he injured the right side of his brain. his head looks like someone smashed it with a sledge hammer. inside there is blood a fluid leaking into brain matter and the…

when i was young i would climb upon my fathers knee… and he would cuddle me. he would smile his good graces on my face and i never doubted his love. he protected me from hatred and harm and he encouraged my adventures toward independence. then i reached out and shared that love without restraints with friends. and they scratched me and bit me and fucked me back into a corner. i was laughed at for being strange and for unconditional love. so i created conditions. to fit in. but my conditions had little to do with being pretty, smart,…

crowned stupid whore of the year. of course she screams i do it for the attention. i crave it. i wake up every morning to the sounds of …. i want i need…. its my morning bliss. i feed the children, the dog, then i fix my coffee. guess its better than fixing my veins full of dope. guess its better than fixing my needle full of a blank and useless rush. but i run around to do the routine… or else i fail. i drink my hot cup down and then i race to shower…. blinded by sunlight i…

i remember the heat. the kitchen was like an oven that day. i had a fan blowing air from the window on me. but i was still standing in my underwear and nothing brought me relief. standing there cooking hot dogs on the stove, waiting for water to boil while the kids kept careful watch for him to arrive. i didn't smell the rolls burning till it was too late. i usually lost something at dinner time. if it was not my mind then i over cooked a thing or two leaving it a casualty trashed in the can. tonight…

i kiss this old year good bye with no regrets. i did not play my hand perfectly but i gave every second my all. i wanted nothing more than to make my family whole and healed and happy. sometimes we try to hard to make a thing work. i know from watching survivor that flint is the only way to start a fire… unless your really bright and ya use your glasses. life gives us options. but some are easier than others. and some just are not worth it. i had to cut my losses. i had to lose my…

for a while i have been under the impression that he was poisoning me. its strange to allow yourself that recognition. the one person i agreed to love for life…. i said i do. i said for better or worse. and i believed it. i think he was poisoning me for a while…. years. and i think he resumed it after his accident. i think he was using heavy metals from work. he is a steel fabricator(fancy for welder) and he had access to metal shavings. i know its simplistic and that there is a huge difference between a control…

i gave up my son just 18 years ago. i held him for about three hours. pressed against my chest i listened to him breath. i felt him stir. i whispered a simple prayer. i forgot about myself for a moment. it felt amazing. no one can take that moment away. but they came and took him away. took him from a young girls arms. i cried my fucking eyes out. and for a while i thought i might never stop. i got dressed and walked out. the priest who handled the adoption made a promise to me that my…

is not super at all. in fact i have never been able to get a thing to stick together with its application, except my fingers to each other. all the fragile tea cups i collected for years… shattered as the box they are neatly stashed away in drops to the floor. oh well i thinks. they did me no good wrapped in newspaper and sheltering the little mouse family which moved in for the winter. super glue will not put you back together. wont get you a brand new showcase. if not used often and chip free then the crash…

i am not an organ donor. i have watched enough ER to know that organ donors never come out of it alive. i would gladly donate them all after they have done everything to save my sorry ass. but they stop trying if they think they could get all frankenstien real soon. so i just list the facts on my licence. after all…. i dont want to give my life for some child abuser who got shanked in prison… just because the doctor wants to chock up some hours on the operating table. i also have little desire to be…

i just cant level this all out. if i could bull doze it to the ground. then i could surely start with a flat surface. but i am starting with a heap of stuff. clutter, lives, memories, mountains of expectations, heaps of sadness. how am i to sort through the crap and clutter and make something worth while out of it all, while still doing everything i need to do. work, feed the family, walk the dog, get everyone to their appointments, get the tree up and the lights up and wrap the boxes filled with hopes of a perfect…