i think he must know that i am wearing thin. this strong exterior is just a costume ive devised. no super hero hides beneath.he texted me today. i thought to thank me for the visit he had with the kids. a visit i made happen for him because the kids need to see him.he saw me at the park. he knew that i was late to drop them off. he knew that i was frazzled. he said in the text i will take him back. he thinks that we were made for each other. excuse me while i barf. i…

My husband and i were nothing alike. i knew this going into our relationship, but the ones i had alot in common with seemed to only break my heart. so my thoughts were that if i went for something different then maybe it would last. he was not cruel at first. he was understanding and kind. he was eager to please. and then about a year after we were married he punched me in the back of the head. i saw stars. i was in a crowded street and i remember almost falling out thinking…. someone saw that. someone will…

came home today …. to tired to drive. not sure how i made it. remember thinking i want to close my eyes. then out of the corner of my eye…. i caught a distraction. interstate, 80 miles an hour…. and a boy, maybe 23 was checking me out. i ofcourse was wearing my moviestar shades. and i was rocking out hard. to my one and only tape, from 1996 of maybe 9 tracks laid then realaid over some crappy love songs from 91.but my cd player will not work… no matter how hard i kick the shit out of it.…

at the end of the school year we took the kindergarten class to the zoo. such a fun trip. animals and a bus load of wild children. perfect mix for a much needed martini afterwards. any way, i was informed by the in mommies(who probably dont drink martini's) that my son needed silly bands. i responded quickly oh well he has an allergy band and i am pretty sure actually that he does not need a band telling the world that he is silly. the moms looked at me with a strange glance then followed up with out missing much…

how can he keep torturing me. he has been told its over. that his words mean nothing. that his sharp tongue will not cut me from now on. that i move on gladly from his madness. and then he lets me believe i can relax. my muscles not so tense,i slip down into to hot bubbles.
disappear up to the nose. lean my head back. body submerged.
i relax, i breath, i sip on tea, i melt away. and then he calls. just an ordinary start. then bang he lays into me. his life is over
i took it all,…

tomorrow morning early, my life will be in fast forward mode. i will not notice how hectic it becomes because i will be living it. but i asked for it. and i am lucky i guess. because i was unhappy in 'stuck on pause'. when i first got clean, the people in the rooms told me the same thing. precious words i will never forget. "slow down" thats it. just slow down. take a deep breath. sleep in the same bed for more then a night. look in the mirror. smile at the girl looking back. you have been avoiding…

fair to say i have been moving pretty fast since i came crashing onto earth.36 and 1/2 years ago. like a shiny comet… an omen of good luck and prosperity to my parents. a blessing. i was nurtured like the rest. loved, hugged, and tossed in the air . i was a pretty baby and so well behaved to hear my mom tell it. the envy of all the mothers in her circle of friends. i was easily tanned in the summer time and spent much of my days hiding under rocks or up in trees which i climbed barefoot.…

what if the only thing i am here for is to push a boy out of an intersection five years from now. that all my experiences lead me to that one place and time with the will to do something life saving like that because someone else could never. and what if had that boy died… his mothers sorrow would have led her to hang herself rather then creating a cure for aids, or cancer, or malaria. and what if i had not gone through drugs and abuse and i did not care whether that boy got hit… even though…

they offered me the job officially just a moment ago. i am so excited i could scream. this is the slack i needed. i will use it wisely. i will make this worth every second. i am giggling at the butterfly's in my tummy. oh what a roller coaster ride. hold on tight, both eyes fixed to the tracks ahead, not gonna miss a single moment. WOO HOO!

i feel like i am on roller blades stuck inside a horse shoe which is balanced on a ball. and as i make it to the top i look back and realize that i am on the bottom. this back and forth wont stop. like the momentum gained by those balls that bounce off each other. back and forth…. in a vacuum so that nothing ever changes. i found out today that i definitely have the job i applied for over a month ago. goodness i want it so badly and its hilarious that i have no schooling or training……