born on the fm waves of the heart


Mai 22 2009, 12h09

Connecting the player with computer (%50 chance that I'll get a small electric shock because electric switch is bad, but I'm not easily distracted). Digging through various folders, adding, erasing, who knows how I'm gonna feel today, filling it up to the last megabyte.
Before I get out of the flat, I'm performing unconscious (neurotic?) ritual: I'm matching the colors of my clothes (red stripe on socks-red badge, green stripe-green bag/green t-shirt bat etc.), putting the earphones on, going down the stairs and off we go. The moment I leave the building, the first song starts. Leaving the peaceful and static atmosphere of home, nervous parents, entire world behind me; a peace of blue sky and cold breeze are enough to put me in good mood.
Although I get quite autistic & imaginative when listening to mp3 player outdoors, I always notice the car going behind me (hate when people say ''I don't listen to music whan I'm walking or riding the bike, a could not hear the traffic''), my bus approaching or not to sit next to some neighbor and spend the entire trip talking about how weather is hot today or politics or whatever... (sounds very antisocial, but simply travelling anywhere with my player on is one of my favorite everyday small things). Not used listening music very loud, but making a sound barrier so the bus noise is unnoticed.
Railway station, unfinished tunnel, monastery, graveyard, industrial zone... Sights I watch everyday since my high school when I made deeper personal & constant connection with the city core (favorite occupation during those days: listening music and wondering through unknown streets). I know every detail of that voyage (25 bus stations, about 1 hour), but still my attention is intact: thinking about the music, lyrics, gig, various peoples, places... Whereever the song takes me.
At those moments it's hard to call me ''back''. Last station finally, leaving the metal can, start to walk very fast. Someone waves just in front of me (only way of getting my attention), ''pause'', feeling like being woke up. Where's my tongue? After a short while, and one button pushed I'm back in the world between asphalt road and Sandman's kingdom.
Music makes me imaginative and peaceful (after all, my player is Creative Zen. Not the first thing that came on my mind while shopping that stuff. Guess subconscious played its role). Sometimes when I'm nervous I play irritant and disturbing songs, as if they can destroy each other (work sometimes...). ''Reality'' calls and it's time to communicate and deal with the outside world. But the music is not gone, very often, a small musical box in my head is playing it's surreal program (something like a ''machine for reading letters'' writer Orhan Pamuk recalls in his childhood memory book ''Istanbul: memories of a city''), like a radio: today charts, songs I've missed or haven't heard for a long time, recalling and continuing the refrain you hear passing through near coffee shop, sometimes lyrics which coincidence with the current situation (physical or emotive) that I'm in. In those cases I feel surprised: I know the entire song!. The city plays its own soundtrack, until i get my earphones back...


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