• february 3, 2012

    Fev 4 2012, 2h40

    I just keep thinking about you, and I don't know why.

    Time inches its way between yourself and others, and if you're not careful, it's not long before they're months, even years away from you. It's difficult for me to address that distance has happened. Usually I just watch from afar, worried that it's too late to go back. But this time it's different. I don't want all of that time between us. Because even though you're just a stranger, you mean a lot to me.

    I don't know.
    I'm just overthinking again.
    I guess.
  • December 29th, 2011

    Dez 29 2011, 20h37

    This Christmas break is starting to get to me.
    The fact that the only people that ever talk to me or text me are all people from South Dakota.
    And people are posting pictures with their friends and talking about all the great parties and times they've had with other people, and I post shit about hanging out with my mom.
    I'm realizing that I've spent the past week and a half completely alone.
    I'm excited for school to start again on Monday.
    I need that interaction with other people.

    I think I should get out of the house.
    But there's nowhere to go.
  • December 9th, 2011

    Dez 9 2011, 23h42

    I feel like I'm going to throw up.
    My mom insisted that tonight for dinner we go to The Dock, a local restaurant in town.
    Where Myles happens to work.
    And of course he happened to be working tonight.
    I don't know why, but I felt so weird after I saw him.
    I felt embarrassed, and extremely awkward.
    Soooo awkward.
    I barely ate my food.
    Then I started feeling like I was going to throw up,
    Because every time he walked by, I saw him intentionally look the other way.
    Which is understandable, because I did the same thing, but still.
    It just so weird.
    So I took the keys and went and sat in the car,
    Because you know me, running away from my problems.
    I kind miss him.
    Just a little bit, though.
    That was probably the most awkward thing I've gone through in a long time.
  • December 8th, 2011

    Dez 8 2011, 22h14

    Did I imagine what happened between us?
    It's all slipped away.
    Like a pleasant dream.
    A ridiculous dream.

    I must've imagined it.
  • December 5th, 2011

    Dez 6 2011, 2h12

    It's weird looking through my old diary.
    It makes you realize that this past year has gone by really quickly.
    It also amuses me that my ex John and I's relationship that lasted from December - September was only a few entries.
    It went from,
    "So I hung out with this guy named John, and I like him more than I should."
    "Wow, John is great. I'm so happy with him."
    "I spend all my free time with John. I get drunk and stoned blah blah blah. He's so great."
    "Yeah John and I's relationship isn't going great. Oh well."
    It just seems like that was a few months ago, not an entire year ago.
    It seems like January through May were deleted from my memory.
    Probably because I spent every waking minute with John during that time and I don't think about that stuff anymore.
    People waste so much time on relationships that they know are going nowhere.
    I'm so glad I see that now and told Myles goodbye.
    My old self would of kept seeing him even though I know for a fact that I'll be leaving in 6 months.

    I think it's time I start counting down the days.
    Until graduation.
    Which makes that 174 until I get to head back home.
    I mean, MOVE back home.

    Bah. I've been here for almost a week already.
    It's a good thing time's going by quickly.
    But I thought I would be adjusted by now.
    I just keep thinking how things would be better if I was there.
    I would actually go out and see people.
    And have shit to do.
    And my phone wouldn't be completely useless, because people besides my Dad would text me.
    I wouldn't be so lonely.
    Which I'm used to, but you know.
    I just notice it more.
    Oh well.
    173 days.
    And that's only like, 115 school days.
    Everyone says it will go by fast.
    I hope so.

    It is weird how things change, though.
  • December 3d, 2011

    Dez 4 2011, 2h45

    Gabby probably won't make it through the night.
    I don't know what I'm going to do when she's gone.
    She sleeps with me every night.
    She gets up in the morning and sits in the bathroom when I shower.
    She follows me when I go into the kitchen.
    Then when I go to school she sleeps in my bed all day until I come back.
    Then when I get back I lay down and she lays on my chest, and falls asleep.
    Even now she's sitting in my lap and has her chin resting on my arm.
    What am I going to do without her.
    She keeps me sane on days like this.
    When I spend the entire day alone.
    She's my best friend.
    I saw her being born.
    She was the runt and we took her brother and I knew I had to take her home, too.
    I remember when she was just a kitten and when we got her home we gave her and her brother a flea bath and she was so little and had so many little ticks and fleas on her.
    I had a box and cut out a door and windows and wrote 'Gabby's House' on the front and she would sleep in there.
    She used to always play with a football toy and she'd always chase my feet under the covers and she's always roll over and stare at me and meow if she wanted attention.
    She used to weigh 23 pounds.

    She only weighs 6 pounds now.
    I can feel every bone on her body.
    The vet says it's probably cancer.
    Please don't die on me, Gabby.
    I don't know what I'll do without you.

    She's all I have in this town.
  • December 1st, 2011

    Dez 1 2011, 21h40

    Well, Myles is gone now.
    I just told him that I feel weird about it and afraid because we'd end up breaking up in 6 months anyways.
    He's mad.
    You know it's not good when you say your sorry and explain everything and the reply you get is,
    "It's cool."
    Oh well.
    At least I got that over with and I don't have to worry about it anymore.

    I was in the middle of a conversation with Chris today and I spilled my drink all over my brand new feather comforter.
    I got upset about it and stressed because I didn't know how to clean it, because if you wash feather comforters in the washer it will ruin them.
    And I was home alone of course.
    And I'm pathetic and started crying.
    I had a bit of a breakdown.
    This 6 months thing is hard to take in.
    I sat sobbing in the basement for a long time.
    Not because of the blanket, of course.
    I think it's because I'm already falling back into the routine of being here.
    I'm a different person here and I hate it.
    I just feel like part of me is missing.

    I just want to go home.
  • November 29, 2011

    Nov 30 2011, 2h19

    I'm back in fucking Ohio.
    Fuck you, Ohio.
    I'm going to be counting down the days until I can leave.
    It's been a rough day.
    It was so hard not to cry this morning.
    I cried all the way to the airport.
    I cried when I had to say goodbye to my Dad.
    I cried walking through the security checkpoint.
    And I cried until I boarded the plane.
    It's not fair that my life is so torn like this.
    Yeah, divorce happens all the time.
    And it's normal.
    But most kids get to spend weekends with one parent, or whatnot.
    But no, I only get to see my Dad twice a year.
    And I've always been closer to my Dad and that entire side of the family.
    It's not fair.
    And it's all because my Mother just couldn't wait any longer to be with the idiot she met online and tore me away from everything I loved to move to this shit hole.
    It will take me a week or so to adjust to this deadbeat life.
    I spend most of my time asleep.
    Sleep is the best part of my life when I'm here.
    It's pleasant.
    If I'm awake I get bored and think too much and do stupid things with boys.
    Like Myles.
    I just get lonely.
    I suppose I'll keep seeing him for the time being.
    I think we're both lonely.
    John says he misses me already.
    He's my best friend.
    It's going to be tough readjusting this time.
    Maybe I'll need longer than a week.
    I just see this 6 month stretch ahead of me,
    and it's scary.
    I don't know if I can do it.
    Fuck, it makes me cry just thinking about it.
    6 months.
    Half a year without going back.
    6 months of being dead.
    I don't know if I can do it.
    I don't know if I can.
    I can't be trapped here.
    I don't want to have to go back to counseling and whatnot.
    I just want to go home.
  • November 19th, 2011

    Nov 20 2011, 3h18

    Yesterday my ex Zach told me he really missed me.
    Today my ex John texted me and said he "hasn't been happy since we broke up," and that the girl he's dating is more of a friend because "he's still getting over things in the past."
    I'm emailing my best friend John back and fourth and he just said he's going to take me on a date, his treat.
    Myles just texted me goodnight and said he wishes he could kiss me on the cheek.
    I don't understand.
    I'm just an average girl.
    I don't get it.
    I don't do anything different than anyone else.
    I'm just me.
    And I have all these guys that want to be with me.
    And all I want is to be alone and only care about Skyrim and my cats and talking to Chris everynight.
    That's all I want.
    Well, having some company is nice, which I suppose is why Myles is there.
    That's all I want.
    That, and someone I can't have.
    Who is just damn perfect for me and it's not fair.
    But I'll deal.

    I feel like I'll wake up in the morning and be in Ohio.
    I feel like this isn't real, being here.
    It's a strange feeling.
    My life is a strange feeling.
  • November 16th, 2011

    Nov 16 2011, 18h36

    It's weird that I've been alive for 18 years today.
    I'm currently spending my birthday in bed, alone.
    But I'm okay with it.
    This is what I do everyday.
    And it's warm, so that's all that matters.
    Myles offered to come over and keep me company, but I ignored his request.
    I just don't really like him.
    I've still giving him a chance though, and we're trying to get to know each other better, but it's not going to go anywhere.
    These things you just know.
    I miss having something to look forward to every day.
    Now I just spend every hour thinking about how at this time on Friday, I'll be in South Dakota.
    With my Dad and my Gramma.
    Maybe I'll be hanging out with Filona.
    Or making plans with John.
    Whenever I go to South Dakota, I always have a full schedule.
    It seems everyone wants to hang out and do something with me.
    I wish it were like that here.
    I wish.. nevermind.
    I guess that's over with, now.
    Life is strange.
    People come into your life so unexpectedly, and almost as quick as they come, they're already on their way out.
    I wish he would stay.
    I just... I don't know.
    I've never met someone who I actually want to talk to all the time.
    I know I need to let it go.
    I'll get started on that.
    I just want Friday to get here.