Domingo 1 Nov 2009, 9h:49

fluffy fun
It is November!

WOW.

Anyway, in the midst of being physically tired and rather emotionally drained (but happy and satisfied because today's sermon was awesome and spending time with ruots and her family is always, always wonderful), I came up with names for my future daughters. I don't think I've thought about the chance that I might end up with a son yet - eh, when the time comes, I'll come to terms with it.

Audrey Rose
Summer Ann
Summer Anne
Ariel
Constance
Mary-Anne
Ruth (this one's hard to pronounce though!)
Faith (but this one also v hard to pronounce - chinese teachers will def. massacre it)
Renee (this should automatically qualify my future kid for the fb group "People who always have to spell their names for other people")

Girl-Girl Twins
Amelia and Laura
Faith and Joy
Sweet and Sour (HAHA I am kidding, obviously)

Boy-Girl Twins
Oliver and Olivia
Nicholas and Nicholyne
Ok I give up… and what are the odds of this happening anyway

*disgruntledly* OK la, BOY names
Isaac
I can only think of one.
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so sweet
j says:
why're you looking at chalet photos nowww?
n says:
i look at them daily (:
j says:
YES is it rly very scary?
n says:
to remember the happy times

I've censored the google-able names because of this close shave I had with a classmate who found this place just by googling one of my other classmates' names!! This will teach me to let my guard down so carelessly! Ah well, actually, even if anyone does find this place, he/she wouldn't know who, or what on earth I am talking about so no matter. And I no longer blog here anyway. So. I just kinda panicked a little because what is history is history and should remain (undisclosed) history. Unpacking dusty cases causes serious sneezing.
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wtf wtf wtf seriously. I'm so arghh I DONT KNOW srsly I don't know oh God…. HELP!!!!
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this is really no big deal and haha, might bore you
Alright. Everything feels like this flurry of emotions, like rain dashing against a grey backdrop. That was probably the most emo thing I've ever said or will ever say. I teared a little at the bus station just now but it's ok. I'm ok now. God loves me. My thoughts are so disjointed.

Today was a strange but fun day.

We went to watch 500 days of summer, me, fry, nicchee.

It was so spontaneous. It was just ry going, "I should watch 500 right? I'm free today. Do you want to?"

We met Choonie at the canteen, who decided to join us for lunch at S11. It was a little bit awkward on occasion but it was fun. We talked about avant-garde music and suddenly, we decided to form an avant-garde band… so we are one and we're called Air Von Gardt and to further reinforce our avant-gardeness (Choonie: Avant-garde is just another word for "weird"), we are Singaporeans pretending to be German. Choonie's the air guitarist, ry's the air pianist (or flutist, I'm not quite sure), Nicchee's the air drummist and I am…TADA… the air vocalist. Basically, we are modelled after John Cage and his 4:33; so our awesome new track will be a minute of silence as well. We have our air-fives and air-shakes, which Nic said made us look cult-like, which is hilarious. We have another ritual where we stand in a circle and attempt to be flamingo-like by standing on one leg. Our album cover would be us attempting to lift up our empty glasses with our index and ring fingers. Very, very high-brow indeed. We were talking about performing for the humanz party next year but I don't think we will. That was fun. :)

Then we watched the movie, together with our delicious Daiso-bought Japanese drinks: green tea, milk shake and yakult-tasting fruity milky mix.

I was watching it for the 4th time, Nic 2nd and thankfully, he liked it a lot better this time round. I really like 500. I don't think I'll ever get tired of its jokes.

After the movie, we sat around and waited for Jarly to come. Fry and I started a discussion about love (again) and I found out that he does believe in love afterall and that open marriages is not his ideal arrangement but he keeps the option open. And that like me, he would want to marry a best friend and his reason for marrying would be the simple one of being together with that person.

We also had this conversation, though.

"Well… how would you differentiate between your best friend and your you know, potential partner?"
"I guess, to me, she would be above all, she would be the best friend"
"Uh huh?"
"You see, there is a distinction…you don't spend every single waking minute with your best friend but with your partner, you would and you would want to. That's what you're looking for in your partner - someone with a personality and ideas you can see yourself living with for the rest of your life."
"So have you found anyone?"
"That's a very personal question but I guess, I don't know…I'm not sure if it really is"
"Hmm so you have a person in mind?"
"You could say that. But then again, the lack of surety might mean that it isn't…it probably isn't. And anyway at this stage…"
"You don't feel like you're ready?"
"Yeah I don't think I'm ready. I don't know, really."

As I was walking towards the bus station and this was running through my head over and over again, I felt like I should have asked more to give myself a satisfactory and less ambiguous answer (things like…"what's she like" "do you know if she reciprocates your feelings"), at least, whatever it is, I would be able to get some sort of formal closure and yes honestly, I like to have certainty in knowledge revolving such issues. Well, I didn't and on hindsight (it's actually double the hindsight), I'm glad I didn't because it wouldn't have been fair to probe and it would've been so selfish to excavate information out of him like that. And also, because I am scared of hearing the answer. I mean, if he'd said "oh yeah she's very manly but she's secretly girly…a mushy sushi…and we often fight but we click so well together", I think I would have cried then and there, which would have been embarrassing and painful… for both of us.

Like me, he's scared of never finding the person. And he told me reassuringly not to worry because both of us are 17 (well, he's 16-going-on-17) and we have so much time ahead of us to explore and discover and to just, live life. I still can't help being scared and I told him I was really scared of ending up as a spinster or with a broken marriage. It was such a silly fear but he didn't ignore it. He tried to break it down for me rationally, with all his figures about how many guy friends I have and how many I have actually really talked to and gotten to know, and how many more there are in Singapore, from whom anyone could be the one. It's not like it was particularly helpful or anything because I have the answer to all my fears, one which he is unable to provide because he doesn't believe in it - God has a plan for me. Still, I appreciate his heart and I'm also in the process of learning to surrender my fears to God.

I'm not going to be all self-delusional or foolish and assume that you know, the person he was talking about is me. Enough of naivete, really. Instead, I'm gonna assume that it's the other option, which seems like the right answer from what obscure information I have ("So do you like mushi sushi?" "hahaha : )")

Right now, I'm feeling alright, if a little bit shaken. And I can't promise I'll continue to be so rational and calm all the time but I can only trust that daddy God will bless me with the strength and peace to press on and one day, finally be able to say with pride and joy, "I've learnt from it and I'm completely unaffected now I see him as my brother who is a lovely but misguided person because his view of the gem has been obfuscated by the mud."

There was also some rather inspiring stuff about how he thinks that people who see flaws with the system but are unwilling to initiate any change are precisely the cause of those flaws. He said he didn't want to be one of them and so he will do whatever is within his capability to change things. He also told me about how he expects his future life to be very traumatic because of his decision in wanting to "ensure that the way the country is run for his future self and others of the future is fair" and he told me about how he would expect his partner to go through a lot as well and that she would have to be "very resilient" to stick with him through everything, like Mrs LKY. He said politics would be so hard he wasn't sure at all if he could deal with it. I told him he had to believe he was made of strong stuff before he even stepped into it. For someone so keen on politics, his intentions are wonderfully pure and I really respect that. I mean, it was his "hate of the world in its present state but a love of what it could be", his willingness and ability to think about the world and about humanity that I so admired (well, it was also his patience and niceness and how gentle and fatherly he was). Paradoxically, it is also what occasionally gets on my nerves: his tendency to value rationality above all else. However, I must always remember that for him (and plenty of others too, I bet), sometimes, the good and kind heart gets overshadowed by all his rationalizing, which does tend to make him/anyone sound cold and unfeeling. It is afterall, the desire to change things for the better and to make sure it really is "for the better" that drives so much and such intense thinking. I hope things work out for him, that he'll find God along the way and I sincerely hope that eventually, he'll find someone he is in love with who won't abandon him or hurt him.

""Reader, nothing is sweeter in this sad world than the sound of someone you love calling your name."
From The Tale of Despereaux

Today, I also saw this:
2 Corinthians 3:6

"He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."

"Dealing with guilt & self-condemnation as a life struggle in my own life, this Scripture nails that to the cross. How can we as ministers of God's Word, give grace and forgiveness, if we can't allow in our mind, the blood of Christ to cover our own past sins. Every time we beat ourselves up, after we have asked God for forgiveness, we crucify the Savior all over again. He said, "It is finished." The letter of the law can't be on our own lives as a weapon of Satan to keep us in bondage. It's like going outside and getting dirty in the mud, coming inside & getting in the shower & totally get clean then saying to yourself, "I feel dirty, think I need to take a shower."
The blood of Christ has cleansed it all. God sees sin, Christ comes to us in our dirty nakedness, clothes us in a white robe of righteousness, covered with His blood & presents us to Father God & says, I beg to differ…I present you righteousness & perfection.
He paid it all. Believe it as grace not as law."

It is all so true and so cool~.
/5thnov2009/
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This sucks!!!

Not everything is my fault. Some things probably are. But oh COME ON.

Dear Lord, Help. Please, God.

):

Sunday

BUT

“My brethren, count it all joy when you are afflicted with various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.” James 1:2

I remember Job! And honestly, comparing my minor afflictions to what Job had to go through would be a huge insult to him. I mean, yeah.

): I NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH GOD
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What I'm not able to control, I surrender.
Amen.
\10thNov2009\
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Today, I had a mini-epiphany. When God closes any of our doors, He isn't taking anything away from us but He's trying to shape our path as we know/understand it. In other words, He's letting us in onto a little bit of His divine plan for us. I thought that was pretty cool. :)
\25thNov\