Segunda-feira 8 Mai 2006, 2h:29
A nod to the group founder for introducing me to this!
Jim Noir is very fucking intimidating. Don’t believe me? You see those hearts in the lighthouse beam on the album cover? Yeah those are all hearts Jim Noir has ripped out of other peoples’ chests because they crossed him. He tries to warn you with the Nightmare Before Christmas font on there, but I thought he was bluffing. Jim Noir doesn’t bluff.
From the first track, the message is loud and clear. No one fucks with Jim Noir. If you’re gonna step on his patch, he will bring you down. STAY THE FUCK OFF MY PATCH. Easy Jimmy-boy, I ain’t going anywhere near your patch. However, I do have your football. And I’m not giving it back. That’s right. No more fun for Jim! What’s that? You’re gonna get your dad on me? OH FUCK. I didn’t see that one coming. Ok, ok, here, take it. I don’t even care that you kicked it over the fence and broke a few of my gnomes. Just keep your dad over on your side of the fence, buddy. Whew. That was a close one.
I think he’s on the right track here. All of the other albums that have been released this year are already conceding the top spot, and most are too apprehensive to even take #2. Jim Noir has successfully used his powers of lyrical intimidation to secure his release as the best of 2006. Fuckin’ hell. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? It’s brilliant. And this isn’t even as good as Jim Noir gets. He’s got a bank of songs that were probably a million times better, but his computer fucked them up. Jim Noir’s computer is possibly the only thing in this world scarier than Jim Noir. To avoid being killed by his computer, Jim had to write a song about who really controls his output. To further subdue Jim, the computer forced him disguise his threats in a coating of laid-back sixties psych-folk acoustic guitars, Beach Boys-ish overdubbed harmonies and organ riffs, and Beta Band blips, beeps, and bass. As the icing on the cake, we get Turn Your Frown Into a Smile. You can only imagine how reluctantly Jim Noir wrote that one.
I’m so terrified of Jim (and his computer), that once I start listening to the album I have to see it through until the end. I can’t listen to just a song or two lest the duo be insulted, and resultantly kick my ass. I don’t want any of that do I? Do I even dare to give this album less than a perfect 5 star rating? I don’t think so. Vin Diesel wouldn’t give this album less than 5 stars, and he’s the fucking Pacifier! So there it stands. 5 stars. Album of the year. Maybe album of the past few years and the upcoming decade or so. Please don’t kill me, Jim.
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