Segunda-feira 28 Nov 2011, 20h:18
tl;dr - It's fucking Nightwish, baby. Yeah this ended up being really long, let's just say that it's certainly not the best album ever, as some jerks would have you believe.
Now, as you may have noticed, I've been straying from my usual pattern of "randomly review notable albums in the symphonic-gothic-flower-fairy-pop-sapphire-euro-power-speed metal genre, and by review I mean get drunk, go completely insane, and arbitrarily assign number values to the songs". Why is this, you ask? DON'T ASK ME SUCH CRAZY FUCKING QUESTIONS, for one. Secondly, I felt that after I reviewed what seemed like 14 (5) albums in the span of six (7) months (with most of them hovering somewhere in the "meh" category), I was starting to lose touch with the element that makes any review (or anything involving the written word)worth reading: Constant insanity. So, hopefully a release as "epic" as this one will make me actually interested enough to properly vent my insanity.
With that said…
Haters and Fangirls of Nightwish, welcome. As the clock strikes midnight in the cold barren wastes of the North, and the album forever known as AEMAEGAENAERAEARUM (Imaginaerum if you're a perfectionist son of a bitch) is leaked far and wide to the very corners of the Earth by our glorious pirate overlords, I SHALL BE YOUR GUIDE INTO THE ABYSS. Being that I have largely avoided/ignored/mocked real information regarding this album, I am clearly the best possible guide. Of course, that's excluding the few times when I watched in amused horror as most of the neo-Nightbox patrons discovered Storytime, those 30-second clips, and the constant flow of suspicious (apparently only to me) overwhelmingly positive reviews, and then proceed to fawn over them like 14-year-old girls (or nDroae) that just discovered Twilight…and then there was/is THE TARJA PICTURE FIASCO which I think is fucking hilarious…am I the only one that understands why? Anyway yeah, if you'd like to read a review that will not hesitate to rip this album a new one if it isn't suitably rad, then look no further.
SO BUCKLE UP AND HIDE THOSE CHILDREN, FOR TUOMAS HOLOPAINANENAENAIENEN RIDES AGAIN TONIGHT.
I have Grey Goose mixed with Sunny D. Seems suitable for this. LET'S GET IT ON.
1. Taikatalvi
Something in Finnish (probably). Google translate claims it means Winter Magic, but we all know how inaccurate that fucker is, so I'm going to say it roughly translates as TALK CAT ALVIN (or possibly Elvis, my Finnish is pretty rusty). This is the story of one of the darker episodes of Alvin and the Chipmunks, where Alvin is accidentally turned into a cat. He proceeds to hunt Simon and Theodore to the ends of the earth and in the end, brutally kills and eats them. He then engages in mortal combat with an enraged David Seville, who has lost his only source of income. David, armed with a ceremonial katana, eventually ends the catastrophic duel by beheading Alvin. Alvin then wakes up, realizing it was all a dream. The camera zooms out to show the earth, which is suddenly destroyed by a rogue black hole.
THE END.
That episode really fucked me up when I was a kid. Maybe it's why I am the way I am. Maybe not. Maybe GO FUCK YOURSELF. (IT WAS AN INTRO AND THUS GETS NOTHING/10)
2. Storytime
PEDO-TUOMAS ENGAGE. What are the odds on Tuomas getting nailed on molestation charges at some point during this upcoming tour? No…I'm not talking about what he does to those poor keyboards. Anyway, as the first single off of this album, it's expected to really set the tone of the entire album. In my not-so-humble opinion, it's pretty goddamn disappointing, especially after those new jerks/randoms in the Nightbox hyped the shit out of it and made it seem like the best thing to happen to Symphonic Metal since the invention of female singers, the promotional photo with bad lighting, and Photoshop. If this was some other band, Nightwish fans would bitch about it being a complete ripoff of Amaranth. They'd probably be right. This is the latest and most glaring sign that Tuomas is really running out of ideas. Let's see if this continues going forward. It's a pretty catchy song altogether, the video was okay, and Anette sounds good, but honestly.
It's just more of the same, with the minor symphonic involvement and robotic guitar riffs, and it's pretty goddamn forgettable. If that's what you're after, then I BELIEVE I HATE YOU. If you're looking for a positive…when is a first single ever the best song on an album? (7/10)
3. Ghost River
I could've sworn this was the name of a movie…apparently not. I think I'm simultaneously thinking of Ghost World and Mystic River. Neither of which I have seen. WHAT THE FUCK. Clearly this is a sign from Tuomas, suggesting that I watch them both. Seeing that he is a pasty Finnish keyboard-raping pedophile (<- insert random vowels for those of you who enjoy such atrocities against common sense, also how can you add an A and then pronounce it EEEEEE?????????)…I think I'll pass.
After the slightly off-kilter first minute it gets a bit better, and I kinda dig the growling vocals. And then you have the obligatory child vocals. If it wasn't for the fucking weird first minute, this could have been amazing. As it is, it’s pretty good. In fact, to be perfectly honest, this might be my favorite non-epic Nightwish track…ever. (pause for collective gasp) They strike a good balance between Marco's growling vocals (which he should probably be doing more of instead of trying to sing), and Anette's higher vocals. All the background stuff is still nondescript, but the vocals are clearly the centerpiece here.
GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE: this album won't be a COMPLETE train wreck. (9/10)
Now that Tuomas is blatantly stealing song names from (insert singer-songwriter here)'s collection, perhaps I should steal my review of this song from that endlessly positive jerk. OH WAIT, THAT'S EVERY DIE-SLOW NIGHTWISH FAN EVER LOL. Poor people, I used to share your optimism, but I have been hardened by ENDLESS DISAPPOINTMENT. One day, you will know this feeling. And you will learn to like it. Unless you like living a lie, which is cool too if that's how you want to roll.
Nightwish is attempting some kind of late-night jazz club music, with Anette lounging on a piano played by Michael "Tuomas" Jackson? Seriously? This is the lone song that I instantly hated when I heard the 30-second clip of it. If I'm being perfectly honest here…it's really not bad. They did a decent job leaping way outside of their normal genre. It's actually a pretty rad performance by Anette, and might be the only slow-ish song by Nightwish I've ever truly liked. (8.25/10)
Is this a My Chemical Romance song or what? Okay, this sounds exactly like The Islander, but harder…at least, at the beginning. I WANT MY TEARS BACK. OH…NOW. So, you want them now? Oh sweet christ they're doing the handclap. It gets better when they start the folkish insanity at the end…but that doesn't change the fact that it's The Islander Who Wants His Tears Back. (7/10)
6. Scaretale
As if a song named "Storytime" wasn't enough…now it's SCARETALE. OKAY. No one lost any sleep naming these songs. I assume a woman (or child, if Tuomas has his way) will be urgently whispering at some point during this song. Simply by noting the pattern of their previous albums (best track somewhere in the middle), I expect this to be the standout track on the album.
LOL the child thing happened 5 seconds in. I am a goddamned psychic marvel. Long intro-y section is building the fuck out of this. Then the required repetitive guitar riffs…okay. Just when you think it's over, there's more intro…FINALLY. TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK. It's kind of like Sahara, if Anette was going insane. They're certainly doing more than their part for the world's recycling initiative.
Around 4:00, it just gets fucking weird. I guess I should have seen this coming. The only way I can describe it: If Tim Burton got into music, the result would be whatever is happening to me right now.
Towards the end, there is a return to normalcy. If the whole song was Sahara Feat. Insanette, it would have been better. Still decent, though. (8/10)
7. Arabesque
Something about arabs. The redneck gun-toting American hiding deep within me has an itchy trigger finger now. Furthermore, as an elongated and completely unnecessary side note, someone (presumably Karla aka fujikiri aka CleverFairy aka hates you and me and your favorite band too, unless it happens to be something involving Alex Turner) was pissed off that we AMERICAN types refer to ourselves as American.
Personally, I'd like to know, what in Satan's glorious name are we supposed to call ourselves with an unwieldy-as-fuck country name like THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (seriously Ben Franklin or whoever the fuck, you're fired at naming countries)? Perhaps United Statesian, North-Central-Americans, Neo-English, Southern Canadians, World Cops, Foreclosure Victims, Debtanauts, Unemployedish, or just Jerks? Okay, I can use Jerks, World/Earth Cops, or possibly Debtanauts, they're more catchy and modern anyway. Our bastardized version of the Olde Queen's Aenglishe can be known as Jerkish or Jerkanese, the demonym could be Jerkian, World Coppian, etc.
(EXAMPLE OF USAGE HERE.)
So anyway, many of my fellow World Cops are confused and enraged by things that are different, and one of these things is Nightwish. I mean seriously, if you show me a decent Satan-fearing Jerk that's willing to pay 30 World Coppian New Dollars to import this goddamn album from Western Russia, I'll show you a fucking anti-Debtanaut son of a bitch(SEE HOW IT JUST FLOWS?????).
YOU WIN. THAT IS AWESOME. WE'RE DONE HERE. BROTHER AND SISTER WORLD COPS, COMMIT THESE TERMS TO YOUR VOCABULARY IMMEDIATELY. GOD BLESS NEW JERKTOPIA.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming, with Arabesque. According to google translate, this is spanish for "Arabs who". I'm assuming it combines with the next song for "Arabs who turn loose the mermaids". Predictably, this one has some desert-y crap rolling through it. It's sort of like if Hans Zimmer and Danny Elfman took a magic carpet ride with Aladdin through the chase scene through psuedo-Africa in Inception. Once again, it appears we're in for a few minutes of introduction…wait, this song is only 2:57. WHOOPS. Decent instrumental, I suppose. (7/10)
It's like Flight of the Valkyries, with SEXY FISH LADIES. Oh right…this is symphonic-euro-power-goth-pasty-lunchbox-flower-pop-elf-not metal. Disregard everything I just said.
You probably did anyway, so I'll just move on like it didn't happen.
Portions of this appear to be directly lifted from Heaven Is A Place On Earth, aka that ridiculously horrible song, the one that sounds like this one that you were probably trying to place. You know you hear it. I hope they gave notable Jerkian singer Belinda Carlisle (apparently she was big in the 80's) partial song credit, because seriously, it's pretty blatant. If you like this song, you like LIES. I'm a fan of lies, so I'll give it a shot. As far as their slow tracks…it's alright I suppose. Right now, Anette is fucking carrying this shit. (6.5/10)
9. Rest Calm
Yes, as opposed to Rest Angry (the sequel to Drive Angry where Nic Cage is old and in a nursing home, and takes a 2 hour nap while thrashing around the entire time). I'm 67% sure Tuomas went through imdb and threw random Debtanaut-produced movie titles together for the names of all of these songs. Except Scaretale, I don't know what the fuck happened there. Oh…right. I just remembered who and what we're talking about here. IT'S FUCKING NIGHTWISH, BABY. <– Name of the next album, after Tuomas does his five-year jail stint, and comes back a rapper.
(If I wasn't too lazy to make it right now, this is where I would put a gangsta-themed Nightwish promotional photo, featuring Tommy Flex, Marc-dogg, Little Emppz, Jukka-Ice, and The Anti-Tarjanette.)
Seriously, who the hell is this guy and what did he do with Marco? Because he hasn't been good at all in this album when he's trying to sing. The last minute is probably the best part, when Marco isn't trying to sing. (6.3/10)
10. The Crow, the Owl & the Dove
I get it. They're all birds LOL. One is evil, one is wise, and one is good…right? IT'S THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY OF BIRDS. I NAILED IT.
Oh jesus…The Anti-Marco Marco returns in this song and does a lot better, though they might have been liberal with vocalist music-magic. If that's him, I don't even know anymore. This doesn't even sound like Nightwish at times, which has been working well for them in this album. Not so much here. (7/10)
Excuse me while I squelch the endless dirty jokes blasting through my head right now. I'll give you a hint, they involve…okay I can't finish that sentence without throwing up.
Except for the slow tracks and Storytime, Anette has been used in a hit-and-run capacity for the most part…but it appears she'll finally be unleashed here. Surprise of the century: It works. Honestly, I think this is one of the better tracks of the album so far. Don't ask me to explain why. (8.51/10)
12. Song of Myself
Well, here's the obligatory EPIC FUCKING SONG. Nightwish's epic tracks invariably get compared to their best one, which is Ghost Love Score. If you disagree, you're wrong.
This one stacks up decently enough at the beginning. It's certainly better than The Poet and the Pendulum (even though it sounds A LOT like it when it slows down around 4:30). And now they're talking. This song has officially run out of gas (or petrol). AN OLD MAN GETS NAKED LOL. Unintended hilarity meter just exploded. Now I know why Tuomas called this "Song of Myself".
Seriously, this began with such promise, but now it's devolved into a poem about naked old men or something. That is decidedly not epic. (5/10)
13. Imaginaerum
Formerly known as "Imaginarium". I don't think there's ever been a final track from Nightwish that I liked…? Don't feel like looking through their shit to find out. I remember that Meadows of Heaven was garbage.
OH SHIT WE HAVE ONE MORE TRACK TO KILL. AND IT'S THE TITLE TRACK. Hey, I know, let's copy all of the previous tracks in a fancy orchestra piece. YOU'RE A GENIUS, RANDOM OTHER GUY IN THE BAND. Now we can go home early! A decent idea, but I'd rather have a real song. (6/10)
This album gains the official rating of ALWAYS RECYCLE.
While the album as a whole isn't bad, they spent a fair portion of it blatantly stealing from themselves, or slightly stealing from other artists in a disturbingly Nickelback-esque streak of ineptitude. They also used basically the same robotic guitar riff throughout the entire album. Luckily for them, Anette shines in her second album with the band, and lends the album a fair amount of listenability. While I didn't truly hate any of the tracks (except the last half of Song of Myself), none of them, with the possible exception of Ghost River, really stand out as fucking awesome. And the "epic track" was a giant goddamn disappointment, being that more than half of it was talking.
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING:
1. Ghost River
2. Last Ride of the Day
3. Slow, Love, Slow
4. Scaretale
5. everything else
6. Song of Myself
Next Time:
Tuomas' ridiculously fucked up movie! Yeah, I'm (probably not) actually going to watch it. Free advertisement: THIS JANUARY, STOCKPILE GOODS, AND PREPARE FOR A NUCLEAR WINTER OF UNINTENDED HILARITY.
If there isn't a character that vaguely resembles Marcelo Cabuli and tries to kill the lead character, then I'm going to have to demand the money I didn't spend back.
PS: Tuomas, I was just kidding about the pedophile thing, don't sue me for slander
PPS: Unless it's true, in which case I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.