The World According to Jerk J. Jones ESQ ATCE, Volume I


Jun 20 2011, 11h31

I don't think you can possibly prepare yourself for what I am about to subject you to, but you're certainly welcome to try. It's like a magnum opus, or something.

1. Nightbox and why you (almost) killed it

The Nightbox, as we all knew and loved it, is dead. But why? Once again, as it used to be a few years back, it seems to be becoming a Nightwish love fest, akin to the Tarja and Within Temptation boxes. This has to be due to:

A. loss of interest by the old regulars, and the people that are left are buried under everything
B. influx of boring and completely non-controversial fucks
C. more brazilians (there are some exceptions to this, you know who you are)
D. Upcoming release of Tuomas' shitty movie and probably mediocre album


The only question is, which side are you on, and why should I care. That's two questions, you say? And I failed to use a question mark? FUCK YOU.

2. America: god damnit what the fuck is happening

Seriously what are you jerks doing while i'm out? Sarah Palin, Octomom, and all that other shit? SOIGOIJAGODSKHBLD{PN<SFphnjt490w5y8f. Well, I'm coming back, and soon. Possibly for good. And I assure you, it won't be pretty. Or maybe I'll go to Canada, you jerks.

On another note, if you fly through the northwestern USA sometime after 2013, your pilot could be controlled by my deranged mind. Don't worry about it or anything. I'm awesome. And probably a lot more sane (normally) than it appears here.

3. Japan: no

Okay I'm done with this, there's only so much rice a man can eat and only so much cosplay he can laugh at, also what the fuck is up with all the squid

4. Pisstania/Tristania: The Saga Continues

Well, not so much a saga, because has made it clear what side they're on, and have big-brothered the fuck out of all who would oppose them.

NEVERTHELESS, WARRIORS OF PISSTANIA UNITE. Taking a redirect sitting down is for suckers. Stand up and +noredirect that shit.

5. The Unforgiving: A few months later

Surprisingly, it has decent replay value. The instant I finished writing my review of it, I figured it was something I would regret writing shortly afterwards (I've only done this about 3985728937568927389672 times). But honestly, it has held up well. Iron is still semi-awesome, and some other tracks have grown on me after multiple plays (Shot in the Dark, Murder, the demon one).

Give it a couple more months, and I'll probably hate it.

6. The Most Overrated Bands Ever

Epica - They probably aren't overrated in the traditional sense, but as symphonic metal bands go, they're just...boring.

Radiohead - They're okay, but still seriously overrated. They are, at best, a mid-level rock band. They were fairly rad 10 years ago but

Arctic Monkeys - I used to like them, but now, every time I hear his voice, it makes me want to punch him, or myself, right in the face. That is one ridiculously annoying drawl.

Coldplay - As if there was any doubt.

7. The Most Underrated Bands/Artists Ever

Silversun Pickups - If you're not listening to them, constantly and at loud volume, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you. See: Rusted Wheel, It's Nice To Know You Work Alone, Panic Switch, etc.

Manchester Orchestra - Some of their earlier stuff is pretty meh, but their recent releases are getting a lot better. Of course, their "meh" is better than 90% of
the trash out there these days. See: I've Got Friends, Wolves At Night

Cage the Elephant - Awesome. See: Ain't No Rest for the Wicked, or maybe Drones In The Valley.

Beautiful Sin - The best band no one has ever heard of. Too bad they apparently fell off the face of the earth. See: Lost.

Screaming Trees/Mark Lanegan/Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan - Everything this man touches turns to fucking gold. See: Man in the Long Black Coat cover, Nearly Lost You

8. Marcelo Cabuli: The Legend Continues

Your greatest hero requests your presence in the upcoming battle for your souls. While he knows that this battle has lacked proper coverage in the media, and some demented elderly fucks have incorrectly predicted its start date (and will continue to do so), he insists that the battle is nigh. It's only a matter of time before our evil enemy in the north makes his move, and all hell breaks loose. It would be best if you kept yourselves in a state of constant readiness.

He has seen the future, and not many will survive. Be one of them.

9. I don't know what


Note: I wrote this part about three months ago, and then promptly forgot about it.


If Japan does indeed quietly slide into the Pacific at some point in the next few months as I have predicted, this may be my last journal. REMEMBER THAT.

So in the last few days/weeks/months (they all kind of blend into one another when you're working crazy fucking shifts from hell), I've seemingly been inspired at every turn. Now you might say "Hay jerk, I don't give a fuck." To that I have to say I don't blame you, but I'm also going to have to ask you to SHUT THE FUCK UP, FOUL NAY-SAYER.

After watching the inspiring and emotional piece of cinema that was nDroae's youtube video on this subject, I've decided I should help Tuomas out and generate possible storylines for their album succeeding Imaginarium, because he clearly needs some help, from a terminally disturbed mind such as mine. So, Tuomas, if you're reading this, feel free to browse and make your selection.

Read This (the description of Nightwish's upcoming album/movie/thing/? Imaginarium):

The protagonist of the film is a songwriter with an otherworldly imagination. He is an old man who still thinks he's a young boy. While asleep, he travels into his distant past where his dreams of old come back to him mixed to the young boy's world of fantasy and music. In his dreams the old man fights to find the memories most important to him.

Then, replace "old man" and "young boy" with any of the following options...OR MAKE UP YOUR OWN!

Note: I was listening to The Map Room: Dawn while writing these, which made it approximately 3058932 times funnier to me.

1. Robot/Human

2. Slug/Snail

3. Brontosaurus/Apatosaurus

4. Gun/Knife

5. Iran/Iraq

6. Neptune/Uranus

7. Cake/Pie

8. Apple/Orange

9. Water/Ice

10. Gatorade/Powerade

11. Aunt Jemima/Mrs. Butterworth


13. Dr. Phil/Bald Bull

14. Michael Cera/Beck

15. Whale/Shark

16. Arm/Leg

17. Man/Woman

18. Tuomas/Keyboard

19. nDroae/Deranged Muppet

20. Spoon/Spork

21. Coke/Pepsi

22. Anette/Tarja

23. Giant Bag of Garbage/Beijing

24. Baseball/Cricket

25. Rush Limbaugh/Porky Pig

26. Pancake/Waffle

27. Pisstania/Tristania

28. Window/Door

29. Mariangela Demurtas/Pirate

30. Lady Gaga/Motorcycle

31. Dr. Pepper/Mr. Pibb

32. Thor/Zeus

I could go on, but I think you get the point. For now.

Behold the Examples:

The protagonist of the film is a person with an otherworldly imagination. He is a robot who still thinks he's a human. While in robo-sleep, he travels into his distant robo-past where his robo-dreams of old come back to him mixed to the human's world of fantasy and music. In his robo-dreams the robot fights to find the robo-memories most important to him.

The protagonist of the film is a sports drink with an otherworldly imagination. He is Gatorade, but still thinks he's Powerade. While asleep, he travels into his distant past where his dreams of old come back to him mixed with Powerade's world of fantasy and music. In the dreams Gatorade fights to find the memories most important to him.

The protagonist of the film is Lady Gaga with an otherworldly imagination. She is Lady Gaga, but still thinks she's a motorcycle. While asleep, she travels into her distant past where her dreams of old come back to her mixed with a motorcycle's world of fantasy and music. In the dreams Lady Gaga fights to find the memories most important to her.


10. Kamelot: The Future

There isn't one. Sorry to disappoint you. UNLESS:

1. Khan comes back from jesusland
2. Khan has a twin brother who sounds exactly the same, and he hasn't been brainwashed
3. They find a pirate-esque Italian lead singer with big teeth and rename themselves Crapelot
4. They get Vibeke to balance out the shittiness of the singer they eventually pick
5. They get some metal-hot crazy bitch who turns out to be a badass singer. Yes, I'm talking about exactly who you're thinking of.
6. They get Amanda Somerville to be a full-time member, or someone similar
7. They get some unknown jerk who doesn't suck. This generally seems to backfire horribly, though.

So...they have some options. BUT THESE ARE THE ONLY ONES.

11. Earthquakes

Fuck them.

To be continued in Volume II...?


  • Ssomeonee

    "C. more brazilians" agree completely. THIS IS INFORMATIVE AS FUCK YOU GET MY VOTE.

    Jun 20 2011, 15h32
  • CGholy


    Jun 20 2011, 20h23
  • ShortSonata

    I love you.

    Jun 21 2011, 19h23
  • JimKnopf-


    Jun 28 2011, 11h29
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