What Lies Beneath vs. Rubicon vs. Poetry for the Poisoned: THE TRIPLE DUEL OF LEAKS

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Set 1 2010, 10h16

holy fuck this turned out way longer than I intended, so for your convenience...

TL;DR: KAMELOT > TARJA >>>>>>>> TRISTANIA.

Those who feel like wading through my drunken ramblings, read on!


This journal is brought to you by Ennio Morricone's Il triello, the best duel song ever. If you disagree, you are wrong.

In a ridiculous occurence, we have three leaks within a matter of a week, and they just happen to be three of the more anticipated (lol) albums of the year...to some people. I'm just gonna compare them song by song...because I'm too lazy to do each album on its own. Approaching this mega-review with any semblance of sobriety is not advised, there won't be anything that you can decipher here.

In the BLUE CORNER: Tarja's What Lies Beneath, STARRING HARRISON FORD, STOLEN FROM UNDER A SNIPER RIFLE-ARMED MARCELO BY 30,000 FINNISH SUPERMEN

In the BLACK CORNER: Kamelot's Poetry for the Poisoned, RABID KAMELOT SHOUTBOX POSTERS APPROVED, APPARENTLY

In the RED CORNER: Tristania's Rubicon, YEAH I'VE BEEN BADMOUTHING IT FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT, SO WHAT

For competition's sake, I'm skipping songs that aren't really songs...such as "Dear Editor"



1. Year of the Rat vs. Anteroom of Death vs. The Great Pandemonium

Re-listening Rubicon as I go through this, just in case it somehow got better. Year of the Rat is one of the better tracks on the album, but it simply doesn't compare to the leadoff tracks from Tarja and Kamelot. If someone was holding a gun to my head (note: Marcelo punishes those who download)...I'd have to side with Tarja. TGP is badass, but I dunno, it seems kinda bland compared to AoD. Tarja seems to embracing the "FUCK YOU NIGHTWISH I'LL MAKE YOU PAY IN BLOOD" mode. Year of the Rat doesn't sound TOO awful, compared to the others. From best to worst, we have:

Tarja, Kamelot, Tristania


2. Protection vs. Until My Last Breath vs. If Tomorrow Came

I like Protection a bit better after not listening to it since my first run-through of Rubicon. Maybe it can stand up to the next two...Tarja's is definitely better, though. She appears to have brought it, again. I'm glad she took up the badass slack when Tuomas decided to go with the "HAY GUYZ LET'S SUCK" strategy. So far this album completely destroys her previous effort, which was pretty good to start with. Can Kamelot stage the ultimate comeback????? No. I dunno...but there's nothing really happening here. The whole song just sounds the same. Sadly, I think I like the Tristania effort better. HAS BOXELOT LED ME ASTRAY???!??!?

Tarja, Tristania, Kamelot


3.
Harrison Ford (AGAIN) stars in: Patriot Games vs. I Feel Immortal vs. The Zodiac

Listening to Tarja's effort first to see if that'll change anything. Awesome start to the track. They definitely music magicked the fuck out of this album, and it actually works. Makes it sound like a movie soundtrack or something. Excellent slow song, this album comparison is quickly veering into "pointless" territory if Tarja dominates this track as well. WHAT HAPPENED TO KAMELOT??!?!?? Zodiac seems good for a while...then the rest of the song stays the same and gets boring. I think Tristania beats it out once again...with Patriot Games being slightly less boring.

Tarja, Tristania, Kamelot


4. Exile vs. In for a Kill (next James Bond movie?) vs. Hunter's Season

I think Exile might be the only track from Tristania that has a shot to win. It has evolved into my favorite track on the album...for reasons that are unclear to me. I think it could be because they used Mary most efficiently here. They also forgot about trying to sound like "old" Tristania and just rolled with their strengths. Sadly it's all downhill from here for them. Tarja looks to steal the show once again...part of this opener sounds like it's out of the Signs soundtrack...I hate this song so far. Okay, it gets a little better...but I think Exile is better. I just don't really dig the sound of the Tarja down-ish tracks. Ends well though. Let's see if Kamelot can take this opportunity to not suck...POTP definitely seems like the kind of album that could grow on me quickly, but this first listen has been kinda disappointing. Hunter's Season is pretty good though, and beats out In For a KILL and EXILE WHAT>!!>?
I fucking love the chorus, and the last two minutes take it.

Kamelot, Tristania, Tarja


5. Sirens vs. Underneath vs. House On A Hill

Like I said before, this is where Rubicon takes a serious fucking nosedive. Sirens is simply awful...leaving the door open for Kamelot to stage the ultimate comeback. If Tarja follows the old Nightwish habit of having some decent songs toward the end...that'll make things difficult. Underneath is your run of the mill Tarja slow song, kinda like Nightwish but more computered...if that makes sense. Guitar comes in and is relatively badass. DON'T YOU DO IT ROY KHAN...NO....NONONONONdsiongsfiog Roy battles fire with fire here, bringing in someone that sounds like Simone Simons, and apparently is. Hyper-female-backup turns this into a really good duet...Kamelot's version of a slow track. Better than Tarja's shot at it. I always liked duets or duels better. THE COMEBACK CONTINUES.

Kamelot, Tarja, Tristania

Running Total (assigning 3 for 1st, 2 for 2nd, 1 for 3rd): Tristania-8, Tarja-12, Kamelot-10...about what I expected.


6. The Emerald Piper vs. Little Lies vs. Necropolis

Possibly Tristania's last chance to steal a track. Starting with Kamelot this time, Necropolis has a badass fucking start to it...and stays pretty awesome throughout. Little Lies sounds like it will suck. Yeah this song was not good. Bad form, Peter. Did The Emerald Piper (Bonus Track lol) somehow get better recently??? NO. But it's still better than Little Lies.

Kamelot, Tristania, Tarja

AND IT'S ALL TIED UP AS KAMELOT GOES TO THE CORNER FOR A STEEL CHAIR TO FINISH OFF TARJA


7. Vulture vs. Rivers of Lust vs. My Train Of Thoughts

Tarja appears to be mailing it in after an awesome start. Rivers of Lust appears to be another slow track...maybe? Or is it the old fake...no. I mean, she's got the voice to pull off the odd slow song, but I just don't dig her versions of these; thought they were better with Nightwish. STRANGER DANGER LOL. That automatically gains this song BIG POINTS. The rest of the song is forgettable though. Oh and Kamelot
starts off with cheering itself...a bad sign. There's a TRAIN...I GET IT, FOR TRAIN OF THOUGHTS LOL. Another magical recovery afterwards. BOXELOT YOU HAVE DEFENDED YOUR HONOR. Let's take another listen of Vulture for shits and giggles...on first listen I deemed this the worst song on the album...and SO IT REMAINS. Probably the most boring song in the universe, this song pretty much destroys whatever this album was trying to be.

Kamelot, Tarja, Tristania

Kamelot 16-15 Tarja, with Tristania well behind


8. Amnesia vs. Dark Star (Feat. Phil Labonte) vs. Seal Of Woven Years

Tarja's got the heavy hitting guest tracks up now, let's see if the new jerks pull their weight. Amnesia wasn't bad, so maybe Tristania can steal another point here. Seal is decent, but nothing special. I have no idea who Phil Labonte is...according to wikipedia he's in All That Remains, who I've never listened to. Tarja gets back into the good stuff with this one though, and clearly beats out Kamelot's effort with a really good duet. Tristania winds down with a slow track, but it's nothing like their slow tracks of old. I think it's pretty decent though, and it SHOCKS THE WORLD BY STEALING A POINT

Tarja, Tristania, Kamelot

Tarja 18, Kamelot 17, Tristania 13...AND MY GOD THAT'S JOE SATRIANI'S MUSIC!!!!!!!!


9. Magical Fix vs. Falling Awake (with Joe Satriani???!?!? WHAT?!?!?!?!!) vs. Kamelot's Four-Part Power Metal Tour De Force

Magical Fix is just awful, so we'll just go ahead and assume it's the worst of the three. I mean even when they try to get good, everyone's completely out of tune. This, along with Vulture, just completely destroyed the album for me. There are some decent tracks in there, but the bad tracks are truly horrible. As for Kamelot's latest insane epic: Fucking awesome. Good dose of Simone and her sound-alike. It'll take one hell of a dose of Satriani/Tarja annihilation to take it down. They give it a good shot, but Kamelot is simply too epic here. Holy fuck that is one hell of a guitar solo in Falling Awake though. Almost enough for me to give it to Tarja...but no. Part II: So Long really stands out...probably my favorite single song of all three albums.

Kamelot, Tarja, Tristania

20-20. Of course.


10. Illumination vs. Last several tracks of WLB vs. Four-Parter/Once Upon a Time/Thespian Drama

I'm too lazy to figure out how this SHOULD work, so yeah. Throwing a bit of Kamelot's Four-Parter in here too to even things out. Tristania, with only ten tracks, stands out as the short stack. Kamelot ends up with 15, Tarja at 14. Plus, Illumination is boring as fuck, so we'll just give them the one point and move on. TRISTANIA = ELIMINATED.

Tristania's Rubicon: 3rd place. As if there was any doubt.

Now it's down to who knows how to finish a fucking album. Tristania clearly mailed it in, but I'd like to think Tarja and Kamelot actually put together real albums, so they SHOULDN'T just fade out halfway through. Technically the last three Tarja tracks are just bonus disc songs though...so...I guess I won't really count those.

Tarja's last few:
The Archive of Lost Dreams: A lackluster slow song.
Crimson Deep: Not bad.
We Are: I don't know what the fuck happened here but I didn't like it
Naiad: Sounds like a song meant for space travel. Should have used it in Mass Effect or something. It's okay I guess.
Still of the Night: ROFL. It has to be heard to be believed.

Kamelot:
End of Epic: Not as good as the first two parts, but still okay.
Once Upon A Time: BANG. GAME OVER.
Thespian Drama: Pretty good instrumental.


KAMELOT WINS. BEHOLD THE CARNAGE. THE END. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Overall I was obviously disappointed with Tristania's effort, and Kamelot/Tarja clearly took it to the next level. Poetry for the Poisoned barely edges out What Lies Beneath for best overall effort, but both are definitely worth checking out. POTP is definitely back-loaded, and Satriani remains a god among men.

You may commence your crying and wrist-slashing, denizens of Tristania shoutbox.

Comentários

  • ShadowAurion

    I laughed far harder at this than I expect to. Epic win, good sir.

    Set 1 2010, 10h34
  • fantasyfreak

    Drunken rambling or no, it definitely brought the lulz. I'm yet to track down What Lies Beneath, but I'm keeping an ear out.

    Set 1 2010, 11h46
  • Coufik

    Good review, but for me Tarja is a winner :D ...In For A Kill is the best song from WLB, I really love it.

    Set 1 2010, 11h53
  • Artanna

    this made me laugh so hard xD brilliant, i like the outcome :)

    Set 1 2010, 12h09
  • o0HaDeeL0o

    KAMELOT FTW !

    Set 1 2010, 13h06
  • jerkjones

    THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE. RUBICON BULLSHIT. THANK YOU.

    Set 1 2010, 15h59
  • jerkjones

    didn't really know how to describe it

    Set 1 2010, 15h59
  • Amosccc12

    great match.. It seemed like a fair fight haha.

    Set 1 2010, 17h45
  • jerkjones

    "tl;dr, sorry. I've only heard one of those albums anyway and we disagree on that one" Yeah, I kind of blacked out while typing this so it ended up needlessly long. Rubicon held up better against the competition than I expected, though. I guess that says something

    Set 1 2010, 19h17
  • jerkjones

    I just realized that I skipped a Rubicon track (The Passing). Don't think it would have made a difference, though.

    Set 1 2010, 19h21
  • hystericromance

    BOXELOT APPROVES OF THIS DUEL'S OUTCOME.

    Set 1 2010, 19h33
  • Akumuness

    Hah, I was looking forward to Rubicon because I liked YotR, but I haven't been able to get through even one entire spin of the album without shutting it off halfway through - the drop in quality in the middle is just [i]astounding[/i]. D: BOXELOT FTW.

    Set 2 2010, 1h02
  • Artanna

    i read this again and just LAUGHED AND IT'S ALL TIED UP AS KAMELOT GOES TO THE CORNER FOR A STEEL CHAIR TO FINISH OFF TARJA is definitely my favourite part xD

    Set 2 2010, 2h49
  • jerkjones

    yeah seriously, somewhere around the middle of the emerald piper they were like "uh, let's just improv the rest and call it good guise"

    Set 2 2010, 7h20
  • ShortSonata

    *imagines Roy Khan beating Tarja over the head with a steel chair*

    Set 4 2010, 18h32
  • Shimbo-dono

    roflmao, dude, that was a hilarious read lol

    Set 5 2010, 4h36
  • hammerstrikebg

    hahahahahhah nice,nice, @shortsonata I'll be happy if that happens, though I've seen Tarja twice (I fell asleep the 2nd time on 2-3 songs).

    Set 5 2010, 9h44
  • annodomini

    For those Rubicon, here is another side of the medal (you will find review of Tarja there too) http://cabinofart.blogspot.com/2010/08/tristania-illumination.html

    Set 7 2010, 12h41
  • ShortSonata

    Hilariously contradictory review there annodomini, and the starting analogy was not the best..

    Set 7 2010, 19h00
  • jerkjones

    well I would delete your comment, but as stated above, the amount of unintended hilarity in your review is astounding

    Set 7 2010, 19h54
  • jerkjones

    yeah he probably likes those fucked up flavors like jalapeno or banana

    Set 8 2010, 6h36
  • Poisoned_Heart

    eww jalapeno ice cream... I have listened to all three. RUBICON IS BORING AS HELL! There are only like two or three songs that I don't mind.

    Set 8 2010, 6h37
  • HeavyMetalSusan

    I'm a giant Rubicon fan.. but this was really well written :) Nice article :)

    Set 27 2010, 2h34
  • EternalDemise

    I have to agree, Part II: So Long is one of the most amazing things I have heard in a while

    Out 8 2010, 3h33
  • the_gray_fox

    Disregard females, journey into manly music. KAMELOT - FUCK YEAR

    Dez 17 2010, 2h49
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