Inspired by Nas's star wars. Personality clashes. now I see the reality. It's Naïve to think it's just about knowledge or Science. Now I know why work stalls or underdevelopment looms in our government parastatals. Not sure it's just Nigeria though, the movie"dark matter " proves otherwise. People want to shine. It's about Ego. Sometimes I look and wonder how petty we are as humans. we'd kill a young up and coming man's enthusiasm just because of our insecurities. I'm there looking at all the inacurracies we let slip into our presentations and practice just because we don't want to admit we don't know or cant remember. The boss always has to be right. The boss always has to have the answer. I also understand the local champion syndrome now. it's easy to stay sequestered in these corners and feed off the praise and adulation you get. No one questions you. You can generalize on issues that are markedly different in other parts of the world and nobody challenges you. That's why I called us "Heroes in the city of Dope". We're content with our positions and special treatment in this backward and underdeveloped part of the world. what we do is nowhere close to what happens in the developed world but we are happy as long as our position is sacrosanct. One can stay here for years and never grow , never add a modicum of new information while on a daily basis the world leaves us eons behind. It makes me sad about practicing here. I fear i'll turn out to be another " unfulfilled genius" or a " tortured artist". Is it worth it? I'm paranoid about the world now. I trust no one. Every one is a "Taker " to me. They come for your intelligence, your meekness, your niceness , ursurp it and leave you and high and dry.
My brother hip me to the game. Told me bout the maintenance of relationships. Cos if a brother cant maintain his relationships he's done for. Life is all about relationships. so he taught me bout high and low maintenance people. And high maintenance could be either monetary or emotional. Left to me anybody who don't easily appreciate what a brother does is high maintenance and it's good riddance to that. case closed. (so lemme hit yall with this line from malik on that DPG jam "cyco lic no" no pain no gain when i'm maintaining)
drunk in my pain. aint eaten all day. thinking bout the Dump i'm and the struggles I've survived. And then I realized this is that something from nothing hustle that it's about. A ghetto love is the law that we live by. It's the ghetto life yea I celebrate it, I live it. Ghetto Nfeeltraita
That's what they don't know. they don't know that almost everything positive u see about me comes from what could be perceived as negative. A lot of my lingo, view points, humour ,and so much more comes from hiphop which a lot of people see as negative music.My softspoken nature and patience comes from my pain, from the disappointments and trials I have. It's not automatic that a brother can speak intelligently, that happened despite the shortcomings. I turned tragedy to triumph, turned manure to fruit like trees do. it's like the rose in the concrete wall, u don't see the concrete that it's managed to grow in , u see the rose.
" Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner. Lk 7,.39 not much to say, gotta say , not being ashamed of people. people are people regardless what they've done.
i'm at a baby dedication and vows are being exchanged, spouses serenade each other . And it hit me that we as a people,and especially for the female folk, are in love with love, we love the concept of it.the idea of all these words and actions to express it. but how many of us really know what it is. I think it's deeper than that son.
To me this is as real as it gets. They say, insanity is doing the same thing the same way and expecting a different response. This blog is inspired by personal experience and by the song "old souls" by grouch and eligh. I done been in some nasty situations and places yall. Been in the dungeons, been in the trenches, been in hell. and I became stronger only to fall victim to the same circumstances. The song starts by the grouch saying "I've been here before". it's like de ja vu. it's 08 ,09 all over again. The struggles, the addiction. now my thinking is, if I aint do nothing wrong, aint really made no mistakes, and I fell victim to many untoward circumstances, then it's either it's a clear case of "shit happens" when good people go through bad circumstances OR there was actually a habitual mistake being made that I wasn't aware of, something I was vulnerable to, and didn't guard against. something that , by virtue of my naïve , magnaminous nature, I couldn't see. So maybe, it was all just a big misunderstanding and I was really the one encumbered with my own insecurities and demons who fell victim to these plagues. Maybe all the people I cut off actually deserve to be in my life and i'm just a paranoid,insecure man.The questions of whether my demons do exist has plagued me all my adult life. But with the body count of 30, and all the turmoil SOMETHING IS WRONG. So queue in the punchline here: even though, it looks like all is well, and i'm just a melancholy , critical, overanalytic error prone mortal, if the same circumstances I dread from 4-5 years ago to lead to my greatest pain is sill playing itself, then like grouch and Eligh said " If life keeps asking you the same questions, you aint learning the lessons". PERIOD. If faith and Religion were enough, then I shouldn't have had my struggles, if hiphop was going to save me, then it would've , cos I've been messing with it since. If being good looking and intelligent was the clincher, the i'd;ve been in the upper echelon. Not saying where I am is bad, but it should be better. I seen stuff. I been through shit. And I don't know if it was part of God's plan for me to go through the wilderness or not but going through recurrent iniquity cannot be his plan.it cant. if faith were enough, then I shouldn't have had a situation that most people would comfortably walk away from cripple me and send me to the dungeons. and I wouldn't have emerged from those dungeons only to go into deeper ish. I'm skeptical about letting people back into my life. If it was really all good, then I shouldn't have gone through this. and no, this wasn't your average, run of the mill, insecurities and mood swings I've always experience. I could've died any of those times on the street, I could've been robbed, arrested,maimed. It's not a game anymore. sometimes I wonder how peeps expect me to be the same with everything I've been through. It's deeper than music. I could've died. and I wanted to die. That's where the line gets drawn for me. U don't come back from a near death experience smiling like nothing happened. I feel like God's been mad merciful to me cos I don't deserve none of his mercies.I've fallen like sarah McLachlan said. i'm the prodigal son. I don't deserve to be called good anymore. So something's got to give. If i'm not the same starry eyed ,cheery , geeky individual I used to be, don't judge me. i'm haunted by the places I've been and I never want to go back there again. Never again
follow @Nfeeltraita so I\m thinking dancing aint supposed to be perfect. Aint bout moving to rhythm, aint bout trying to break kaffy's record. it's cool that we got azonto,etighi, skelewu and the rest. it's cool that we got the p squares,the maltina dance alls, but u gotta take it back to the essence, dancing comes from inside. you gotta wild out. so it's the Davidic dance like david danced in the bible before the lord not caring who saw, being taken as insane and such 2 sam 6.14. that's the way I go out.