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  • If you take your metal seriously, you are not allowed to like any of the following:

    Mar 6 2010, 19h13

    Trivium - filthy plagiarists.
    In Flames - a sinking ship that cannot be mended.
    DragonForce - four whole albums, only one song. Fast is not a synonym for good.
    Miley Cyrus - makes no attempt to sing, play, write or look good. In that respect, a bit like Darkthrone actually.
    Jonas Brothers - see above. This applies to any other band created by Disney or a similar firm (Roadrunner Records).
    Dream Theater - talented is not a synonym for good music either, especially when every song is three quarters instrumental.
    System of a Down - the other end of the talent spectrum.
    Linkin Park - CRAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
    Limp Bizkit - hi, we're so 'hardcore' we can't even spell our own name. Are we metal yet?
    Mudvayne - see above.
    Disturbed - another band straight from the band factory.
    Children of Bodom - manufactured rubbish with keyboards and a frontman who can neither sing nor write songs nor write lyrics.
    Black Sabbath - innovating the entirety of heavy metal doesn't mean a thing, there are bands everywhere that are better than this.
    Avenged Sevenfold - again, manufactured emo crap.
    Underoath - http://farm1.static.flickr.com/70/199102600_463beca9a3.jpg
    Cradle of Filth - HI WE SING ABOUT SATAN ARE WE COOL YET
    Dimmu Borgir - HI WE SING ABOUT SATAN ARE WE COOL YET
    Norther - clone of Children of Bodom, which is never a good thing.
    Metallica - St Anger says it all. The rest is overrated.
    Nightwish - girls do not belong in metal.
    - oh look, the media will throw out anything that's remotely close to being heavy and call it 'metal', even if it's rap.
    - see above, but substitute 'rap' for 'emo'.
    - playing it faster doesn't make a difference.
    Opeth - pretentious garbage which is much longer than it needs to be.
    Dark Tranquillity - they're basically In Flames. Also, they like keyboards now.
    Pantera - let's create an abysmal genre that spawns bands like Lamb of God and DevilDriver.
    Lamb of God - see above.
    DevilDriver - see above.
    Sepultura - if it's not broken, don't try to fix it by going nu metal. Can't trust Brazilians with anything.
    - Nightwish clones, every last one of them.
    - music is more important than image, not the other way round. Nothing metal about it at all, more like hard rock.
    - faster glam metal with a bit less hair.
    Judas Priest - Rob Halford is gay.
    Gorgoroth - Gaahl is gay.
    Manowar - they're gay.
    - there's a reason it has a giant underground scene. There are plenty of bands because it takes next to no talent to play and it's mostly underground because nobody likes it. The formula is lots of paint, spiked clothing, Satan worship, bad production and barely ever releasing anything. Last time I checked, none of these were related to improving the sound of the music.
    - because obviously that's just ridiculous.
    - nobody in a power metal band to date has ever had any testicles.
    Arch Enemy - WOMEN? IN MY MELODIC DEATH METAL?
    - keep trying, growling isn't going to get you out of sounding like power metal.
    - on its own, without any other stylistic element to add to it, death metal just sounds bland. Listen to a subgenre of death metal instead.
    - just a load of fat people fingerwalking up and down their guitars.
    - just a load of fat people fingerwalking up and down the four most BRUTAL frets on the low E string of their guitars. And blast beats.
    - who wants black metal of all things added to their music?
    - reeeeeeeeeeeeeeadiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeence iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing tooooooooooooooo doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike.
    - rooooooooooooooodoooooooooooooooooooooooong thooooooooooooooooos sooooooooooooooooooooontoooooooooooooooooooooonce ooooooooooooooooos whooooooooooooooooooooooooot loooooooooooooooooooostoooooooooooooooooonooooooooooooooooooooong tooooooooooooooo doooooooooooooooooooooooth-doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom foooooooooooooooooooooooools looooooooooooooooooooooooke.
    - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-
    - any thrash written after the 80s is gay. The 80s were gay. So don't bother.
    - multiple five-minute solos do not make people interested in music. Oh wait, that's just a description of Dream Theater. In the case of other prog metal ba...oh wait, they're all Dream Theater clones.
    - flutes are about as metal as keyboards.
    - a more metal way of writing 'electronic music that's quite heavy'.
    - beyond the boundary between music and spouting crap about how you are going to kill/rape your next victim in great detail while hitting stuff hard.
    Anything not metal - don't be silly.
    Obscure bands - there's a reason they're obscure, they all suck.



    Therefore, by process of elimination, the only acceptable band is that famous extreme majestic technical epic melodic metal band that we all know...



    WINTERSUN

    Now, let us all continue listening to Jari Mäenpää and his incredible musical talents which are collectively manifested within the many albums he has put out...

    2004:
    2006:
    2007:
    2008:
    2009:
    2010:



    Erm...hold on a second.
  • Where are my top 30 from?

    Jul 6 2009, 21h18

    BECAUSE I AM BORED ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING INCREDIBLY SILLY THAT NOBODY ELSE CARES ABOUT

    #1: USA - the country that most manufactured music comes from, with some exceptions (9)

    4 - Disciple
    5 - Pillar
    6 - Skillet
    10 - Shadow Gallery
    17 - Rob Rock
    22 - Amaran's Plight
    24 - Thousand Foot Krutch
    28 - Stryper
    29 - Kamelot



    #2: Finland - because Finnish metal is awesome (6)

    2 - Sonata Arctica
    16 - Stratovarius
    19 - Nightwish
    21 - Amorphis
    25 - Hb
    30 - Wintersun



    #3: England - higher than the others with only 2 artists for PATRIOTISM AND THRESHOLD (2)

    1 - Threshold
    20 - Muse



    #4: France/Germany/Greece/Norway/Sweden - all cool countries except maybe Norway because of kvltness (2)

    France - screw stereotypes, it's a great place and I know the language
    8 - Spheric Universe Experience
    14 - Gojira

    Germany - see above
    13 - Rammstein
    23 - Poverty's No Crime

    Greece - UNDENIABLY COOL
    26 - InnerWish
    27 - Firewind*

    Norway - these guys deserve a lot of credit for making Christian music alongside a nation of renowned deranged black metal players; oh, and they're both effectively the same band
    3 - Extol
    18 - Lengsel

    Sweden - brilliant music, these two are prime examples, I should listen to more Swedish stuff
    7 - Divinefire*
    15 - Sabaton



    #5: Argentina/Italy/Netherlands - not bad bands from nice places but not accompanied by other bands of the same nationality (1)

    Argentina - meh
    11 - Boanerges

    Italy - I have a special fondness for Thy Majestie and I'm not sure why
    9 - Thy Majestie

    Netherlands - well, it's not really Dutch, but Arjen is
    12 - Star One*



    Well, this isn't a top 50 because of my relatively shallow music taste. My charts get horribly messed up after 30.

    * Artists marked with an asterisk are comprised of members from all around the world, but are commonly classified as or are predominantly of that nationality.
  • You're not a real metal band until you write a song called "__________ of Souls"

    Mar 2 2009, 18h35