In Flames - a sinking ship that cannot be mended.
DragonForce - four whole albums, only one song. Fast is not a synonym for good.
Miley Cyrus - makes no attempt to sing, play, write or look good. In that respect, a bit like Darkthrone actually.
Jonas Brothers - see above. This applies to any other band created by Disney or a similar firm (Roadrunner Records).
Dream Theater - talented is not a synonym for good music either, especially when every song is three quarters instrumental.
System of a Down - the other end of the talent spectrum.
Linkin Park - CRAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
Limp Bizkit - hi, we're so 'hardcore' we can't even spell our own name. Are we metal yet?
Mudvayne - see above.
Disturbed - another band straight from the band factory.
Children of Bodom - manufactured rubbish with keyboards and a frontman who can neither sing nor write songs nor write lyrics.
Black Sabbath - innovating the entirety of heavy metal doesn't mean a thing, there are bands everywhere that are better than this.
Avenged Sevenfold - again, manufactured emo crap.
Underoath - http://farm1.static.flickr.com/70/199102600_463beca9a3.jpg
Cradle of Filth - HI WE SING ABOUT SATAN ARE WE COOL YET
Dimmu Borgir - HI WE SING ABOUT SATAN ARE WE COOL YET
Norther - clone of Children of Bodom, which is never a good thing.
Metallica - St Anger says it all. The rest is overrated.
Nightwish - girls do not belong in metal.
nu metal - oh look, the media will throw out anything that's remotely close to being heavy and call it 'metal', even if it's rap.
metalcore - see above, but substitute 'rap' for 'emo'.
deathcore - playing it faster doesn't make a difference.
Opeth - pretentious garbage which is much longer than it needs to be.
Dark Tranquillity - they're basically In Flames. Also, they like keyboards now.
Pantera - let's create an abysmal genre that spawns bands like Lamb of God and DevilDriver.
Lamb of God - see above.
DevilDriver - see above.
Sepultura - if it's not broken, don't try to fix it by going nu metal. Can't trust Brazilians with anything.
symphonic metal - Nightwish clones, every last one of them.
glam metal - music is more important than image, not the other way round. Nothing metal about it at all, more like hard rock.
nwobhm - faster glam metal with a bit less hair.
Judas Priest - Rob Halford is gay.
Gorgoroth - Gaahl is gay.
Manowar - they're gay.
black metal - there's a reason it has a giant underground scene. There are plenty of bands because it takes next to no talent to play and it's mostly underground because nobody likes it. The formula is lots of paint, spiked clothing, Satan worship, bad production and barely ever releasing anything. Last time I checked, none of these were related to improving the sound of the music.
christian metal - because obviously that's just ridiculous.
power metal - nobody in a power metal band to date has ever had any testicles.
Arch Enemy - WOMEN? IN MY MELODIC DEATH METAL?
melodic death metal - keep trying, growling isn't going to get you out of sounding like power metal.
death metal - on its own, without any other stylistic element to add to it, death metal just sounds bland. Listen to a subgenre of death metal instead.
technical death metal - just a load of fat people fingerwalking up and down their guitars.
brutal death metal - just a load of fat people fingerwalking up and down the four most BRUTAL frets on the low E string of their guitars. And blast beats.
blackened death metal - who wants black metal of all things added to their music?
doom metal - reeeeeeeeeeeeeeadiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeence iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing tooooooooooooooo doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike.
death-doom metal - rooooooooooooooodoooooooooooooooooooooooong thooooooooooooooooos sooooooooooooooooooooontoooooooooooooooooooooonce ooooooooooooooooos whooooooooooooooooooooooooot loooooooooooooooooooostoooooooooooooooooonooooooooooooooooooooong tooooooooooooooo doooooooooooooooooooooooth-doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom foooooooooooooooooooooooools looooooooooooooooooooooooke.
drone doom - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-
thrash metal - any thrash written after the 80s is gay. The 80s were gay. So don't bother.
progressive metal - multiple five-minute solos do not make people interested in music. Oh wait, that's just a description of Dream Theater. In the case of other prog metal ba...oh wait, they're all Dream Theater clones.
folk metal - flutes are about as metal as keyboards.
industrial metal - a more metal way of writing 'electronic music that's quite heavy'.
grindcore - beyond the boundary between music and spouting crap about how you are going to kill/rape your next victim in great detail while hitting stuff hard.
Anything not metal - don't be silly.
Obscure bands - there's a reason they're obscure, they all suck.
Therefore, by process of elimination, the only acceptable band is that famous extreme majestic technical epic melodic metal band that we all know...
Now, let us all continue listening to Jari Mäenpää and his incredible musical talents which are collectively manifested within the many albums he has put out...
Erm...hold on a second.