So I’ve decided to do somewhat of a write-up on
Weezer’s breakthrough album,
Make Believe. A few days ago I was hanging out with my friend Karyn and it eventually led to chilling with her brother, Kal. Through his last.fm, I asked him if all his Weezer plays were good Weezer or bad Weezer. This transcended to facetiously praising their song, Beverly Hills. That night I went home realizing that I had actually never given Make Believe a proper listen due to the fact that I once suffered through Beverly Hills. So I’ve decided to take a leap of faith and attempt to listen to the entire album without killing myself and Weezer.
Track One:
I couldn’t be more excited knowing I’m getting the worst track out of the way first. As the intro starts in, I already know I probably won’t make it through the song, let alone the entire album. The lyrics to
Beverly Hills are some of the shittiest I’ve ever heard. I’m praying to god that he’ll swap out Make Believe for anything. Lil’ Wayne, Coldplay, anything would be better than this. Sadly, my prayers went unheard as the song moved into the “breakdown” portion. Every single person in the world has most likely heard this awful song so it’s unnecessary for me to really go into detail about it. I you haven’t heard it, I applaud you. As the track ends, a single tear drops down from my right eye and splashes on the ground as if warning me this album will destroy me.
Track Two:
Perfect Situation is considered by anyone who has ever listened to Weezer’s Make Believe seriously, the only not terrible song on the album. Unfortunately, I disagree. I think it’s rather disappointing and I would never revisit it. It’s not that these are terrible songs (they are though), but they don’t stack up to what Weezer once was. The raw, emotional, awkward lyrics so highly praised from Pinkerton are now locked in Cuomo’s mind, and he doesn’t seem to be looking for the key. Instead of Pinkerton, where he was explaining his awkward life transitions, now he just complains about them like a douche bag. The tears stopped when the song started for I hold no grudge against this song. It’s still down right acidic to the ears though.
Track Three:
The next track,
This Is Such a Pity, is so cringe-worthy I dare not cite one goddamn lyric out of fear you may never listen to Weezer again. As disgusting as this is, it is only the second worst lyrically driven song on the album, but that’s coming up soon. In the style of Garth Algar form Wayne’s World, I had something to throw up in just in case. Thanks Weezer, I love throwing up. The only good thing that came from listening to this song was remembering that I got to enjoy a delicious lasagna only hours before. Thank Oprah I missed the last minute of the song cleaning out my bowl and spent the rest of the song screaming obscenities at my stereo for letting such garbage spill from its speakers.
Track Four:
Hold Me is Cuomo trying to be sensitive…I think. Remember Only in Dreams, the heart wrenching final track of their debut album? That is Cuomo’s sensitive song writing at its absolute best. I’d rather fill my stereo with the aforementioned throw up and attempt to listen to that than ever hear a track like this again. I wanted to use the word “composition” instead of “song” in the last sentence but it would be far to insulting to the word. With the final twenty seconds of the song fading out, I feel a warm substance gently sliding down my face. My hand goes to feel my ear, and as I feared, blood is dripping down from them. I’ve never known an album to give me serious head trauma, but Make Believe is certainly one of them. I now know why they closed down Guantanamo Bay; for forcing prisoners to listen to this album until their fucking ears exploded if only to escape the dreadful sound that is Rivers Cuomo’s voice.
Track Five:
Peace is a disgusting attempt at what seems to be Cuomo’s outrage with being famous. Rivers, you were on hiatus for years after Pinkerton. We weren’t even sure if we were ever going to get another Weezer album. How is your fame an issue? Obviously he must have realized what a success Beverley Hills would be. Apparently Cuomo has no problem sacrificing his fan base to gain stardom and money; douche. Not only are the lyrics a failure to capture any sort of emotion, the song’s not even good. If I was just sitting here listening without the lyrics in front of me, I would still want to turn it off. My personal favorite part is the random “woahs” in the song. I knew you had been deteriorating ever since the green album but you can’t even think of another verse to fill up what was already a terrible song? Really? Really? The blood has now turned from a slight trickle into a more steady flow, forming nice little pools on the ground in front of me.
Track Six:
This song marks the general half-way mark of the album, and is, without a doubt, the shittiest song I’ve ever suffered through. This song makes me question whether Cuomo was secretly killed shortly after Pinkerton and replaced by an incompetent prick who can’t write.
We Are All on Drugs was actually the second single from Make Believe. Seriously? I wouldn’t be surprised if someone from the D.A.R.E. program hired Cuomo to make the worst anti-drug song ever. He only gave him forty seconds to pen the whole thing though, otherwise they wouldn’t accept it. It would seem Cuomo had no trouble making the deadline. I am officially giving this song the title of “Worst Song Ever Written by a Once God of Music.” Enjoy your title, song, for it’s all you deserve. This is also when I began coughing up blood like no one’s business.
Track Seven & Eight:
I’m clumping these songs together only because they are pretty much the same exact song. Sure they sound different and different lyrics and instrumentation, but through an in-depth synthesis of the songs, I’ve concluded that their meanings are the same. This meaning is, “I am a whiney douche nozzle who wants fame at the expense of quality.” Not the best message I’ve ever interpreted, but certainly not the worst. Okay, maybe the worst. I feel that I’m being too generous with these songs. I know this because while on amazon.com, I went to see if it were possible to actually purchase this album. You cannot, however. By clicking add to cart, you are automatically redirected to a suicide help line. Good target market, Weezer. My favorite part of that page is that you can get a nice discount if you buy Make Believe, The Green Album, and Maladroit all together. Three terrible albums all in one convenient order. It’s impressive.
Track Nine:
My Best Friend is one of the most derivative songs I’ve ever heard. It’s like Cuomo googled “worst songs written about friends”, took the worst line of lyrics from each song, and strung them together in no particular order, then used words synonyms for the last word in every sentence in order to rhyme them. Believe it or not, Weezer wasn’t satisfied with the original version and rerecorded it and spruced it up a bit. Apparently the number of children dying when they listened to the original version was too high. (Anything over zero should get a second look) The original was either that Cuomo put an entire can of alphabet soup in his mouth and spit it out at the paper or he developed a new, more dangerous strain of anthrax and injected it into his words. I’m guessing the latter. Let it be known at this point in my misadventure, it seems that I somehow was infected with leprosy for my left ear is rotting off my head.
Track Ten:
The Other Way is another disappointing track. I at least expected some sort of racist / sexist / homophobic comment by now, seeing as how they’ve debased music in general. At this point in the album I’m seriously contemplating never listening to music ever again. Not only has this album destroyed Weezer’s reputation, but any sort of enjoyment I get from listening to music. Fortunately, seconds after the barrel of the gun was between my lips, the song ended and I was free to continue living.
Track Eleven:
Fuck you Weezer.
Freak Me Out is absolute garbage. Not like I expected much from this album at this point but dammit it still hurts. I generally knew what was happening throughout the album. I could follow the shallow meanings of each song, but this song makes no sense. I have absolutely no idea what the hell Cuomo is talking about in this song. I’ve concluded that it is either one of two things: The first is that he ran into an ex-girlfriend with a hook for a hand, but they’re still friends; the second is that he meets a guy and befriends him, only to find out he’s a child molester, but he still wants to remain friends. I personal hope it’s the second.
Track Twelve:
Haunt You Every Day is a really odd song. I say this because it’s the only one that actually made me question it out loud. As I read the lyrics, my face contorted into that of concern for Rivers’ well-being. From what I gather, this song is about breaking up with a girl and being a complete douche bag about it. He leaves her crying and calls her a toy. What the hell is wrong with you, Cuomo? You can’t be an insensitive asshole that objectifies women, especially if you’re going to make it known to the fucking general public.
After the album was over, I had a few options. I knew that I never wanted to hear this album again so my choice was clear. I ejected the disc, snapped it in two, and with the jagged end, I slit my wrists. I still had a better time doing that than listening to any song on this album ever again.
Weezer
