Never underestimate the will of a Titty Bingo fan and the
danger they'll endure to show us their Titty Bingo. Here's an
e-mail we received from a TB fan out in the hinterlands.
"My summer has turned out exactly the opposite of what was
planned but that still didn’t stop my first ever effort concerning
the “Titty Bingo Bumper Sticker” license plate photo shooting
project. You would have been proud!
I took a couple of TB bumper sticks and mounted them to sheet
magnets, trimmed them
all up nice, so I could remove them from what-ever after I
snapped my shot. I’m thinking I’m pretty smart by now and headed to
the local small town car show where I figured I could slap my
magnet on whatever vintage ride I wanted to and take the shot. I’m
a car guy so I know what kind of surface I can slap a magnet on and
the ones I can’t. I found some personalized plates that were just
killer Titty Bingo fodder… “Luvinit” Titty Bingo, “smokem” Titty
Bingo “fiddy5” Titty Bingo, plus many other cool classic rides that
had a ton of chrome perfect for magnet placement. I was in heaven
and really glad to earn the gear you guys so kindly sent.
That was until I made the mistake of approaching this bible
thumpin”, gospel spewing, straight as an arrow, never been fucked
before, douche bag of a freak car owner that was so totally
appalled by what I was doing that he felt that the police should be
called… while I was standing there no less.
Now in case I have not set the stage correctly I am at a very
small town car show...there might have been maybe 60 cars at this
show. The event was sponsored by the local chamber of commerce.
This group was to be revered as “Pillars of THEIR community” and
goddamn it you had better well respect it! I should also point out
that I look like Dahr with a beard and a bit shorter hair and have
been told I look like Jesus with glasses, you would think that
would have scored me some points… think again. Well the little
bastard that called the cops on me also insisted on calling
additional bible thumpin, do-gooder “Pillars” to hang around (for
fear that I might decided to bolt) until the proper authorities
showed up. My crime…at this point was “Indecent Photo Possession
and Display” I showed the little fucker what I was doing on MY
camera before he showed me his sergeant douche bag stripes.
You will never guess who showed up to represent Montana’s law
enforcement. Dudley fookin' Dooright Jr. of the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police dressed as a Montana State Trooper! He looked at me
like I was Snidely Whiplash himself and he had come to arrest me
for tying the just rescued Nell from the train tracks. I remember
thinking “Holy shit… I’m in a new Stephen King novel, Tommyknockers
in Bible Town 2.0”.
Officer Dudley Jr.… his initial words to me consisted of
asking me for I.D. and instructing/directing/helping me to sit in
the back of his police car. There was no “Hi what seems to be the
problem here?” When I was safely locked up he was in no hurry at
all to talk with me again. He took about 20 minutes to talk to all
the “Bible Thumpin Pillars” (little sergeant douche bag included)
and walked back to the car and asked me if he could see my camera…
like an idiot, I showed him, I mean come on! It was just a magnet
that said “Titty” on it!
After reviewing my work he handed me back my camera, closed
the door with out releasing me, climbed into the front seat, turned
and informed me that he was “taking me Down Town”. This whole thing
is funnier than shit now, down town was three blocks away and
remembering his Jack Webb tone of voice, Hilarious! It was not so
funny then. My crime,and you are not going to believe this, the
Willful Destruction of Personal Property with indecent photo
possession and display as a kicker!
Okay, this situation has gone from unbelievable to scary in
those three short blocks. I had been very quiet and agreeable up
until now, I was rudely awakened from my is this really happening
mode and was hoping for a “Senior Officer” to talk some sense into
Officer Dudley Jr. I was just sure that I was going to spend the
balance of my weekend in a small town jail until his honor the
“Hangin Judge” opened the court room for business Monday morning to
set my bail. When we pulled in to the sheriffs parking lot and
Officer Dudley Jr. let me out of the car only to realize that he
had forgotten to hand cuff me, he took my camera, shut the back
door put the camera under his arm, spun me around and started to
cuff me when a Sam Elliot kind of guy, obviously Dudley jrs.
superior jokingly asks him why he was just putting the cuffs on now
in the parking lot? “The cuffs go on before you put the criminal in
the car.” He says laughing.
THANK GOD! Dudley Jr. told Officer Sam Elliot (you know the
actor, big mustache, tall, thin, has been in a ton of good movies)
what had transpired and what he was about to do when Officer Sam
asked me to turn on the camera so he could see the offending
pictures. He smiled as he looked and asked me how to delete. I told
him and he deleted the photos. The next thing he asked was where
were the offending magnets? I had two; one was in my back pocket,
now gone, and the other should still be on Sergeant Douche Bag’s
header pipe. Officer Sam told Officer Dudley Jr. to wait in the
office until he got back. Officer Sam let me ride in the front seat
and took me back to the car show. In three blocks, he apologized up
one side and down the other for juniors’ actions, he had only been
on the job a week and hadn’t even written as much as a speeding
ticket. When we arrived back at the show, Officer Sam retrieved my
magnet from Douche Bag and asked me if he could have it. I, of
course, said yes.
Officer Sam put the Titty Bingo magnet on the back of his
patrol car just above “POLICE” on the trunk lid! It caused quit a
stir among the moral Bible Thumpin majority as he drove past.
Vindication is best served up on a silver platter with a Titty
Bingo magnet stuck to it I always say!
Sadly, I didn’t get the shot. I had just lost an hour and a
half of my life and had decided to hit the bar for about a hundred
beers. I promise you this: I will make more magnets and I will get
that shot and many, many others!
I couldn’t have had the experience without Titty Bingo.
Thanks for your generosity and as soon as this work thing quits
getting in my way I’ll have more time for Titty Bingo Fun!"
A fan for life