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Well, I have been listening to Metal for some years now and I can say that i like most of its sub-genres with some exceptions (Power Metal is pretty gay from my point of view and I don´t consider Nu Metal, Metalcore or that other bunge of "-core" garbage as real Metal).
I enjoy Thrash Metal and Death Metal, especially old school death metal and the more progressive / technical side of Death Metal, the most. Just for the case if you´re interested, I think this represents my musical taste very well.
Though I like this kind of extreme music I can honestly say that I never really got into Black Metal.
I haven´t heard any good Black Metal metal which has blown me away or where I thought "Oh my God, this shit is fuckin´ amazing...". The only things Black Metal could call my attention with were scandals and crimes but not with their music.
At the beginning of the 90s there were dozens of churches burning in Norway, various murders with Varg Vikernes killing Euronymus as most famous example, acts of humiliation and torture commited by Black Metallers, it is said that bandmembers bury their clothes for months to achieve an disgusting stench for their concerts or that they stick the heads of decapitated goats on piles in front of the stage.
My favourite scandal: A member of Mayhem took a shotgun blowjob. Guess what his bandmembers did! Right! A TRVE Norwegian Black Metaller takes photos of his dead buddy with his fragmented head and blood and brain spilled all over the floor and uses it for his next album cover. That´s TRVE NORSK ARYSK BLACK METAL. RAAAHHHH!
The whole scene is just seems to be too obscure for me...

Just look at these silly faces:













Do you get my point?
I mean: Why do they take tons of make-up in their faces. Do they want to look more evil, TRVE or more br00tal or whatever? I don´t get it. From my point of view their whole appearance is far from evil, it´s just totally ridiculous and stupid.
And then their clothes. With all those leather stuff and the exaggerted nails on arms and legs they look more like a bunch of homosexuals with sado-masochistic preferences.






And it keeps going on.
What for hell´s sake do they want to intend with these silly toy imitations of medieval weapons? 3 of 4 Band pictures i have seen so far have contained a stupid sword or axe.
C´mon, we´re living in the 21st century. You hardly can scare anybody with your little axe, Abbath. It looks more like you crapped your own pants



Why do Black Metallers always strike so theatric and dramatic poses?
I have never seen a Thrash or Death Metal band doing this so far...
Here´s another one:



I think most of you know this picture because it´s probably the most hilarious I´ve ever seen. It´s so fuckin´ ridiculous that it has been photoshopped many times so you can find these wonderful outcomes all over the internet:













EDIT: Three masterpieces done by myself:

"Would you like to take a little sightseeing-tour in the bathroom?
Well here we have the process of creating a Black Metal album..."



30 seconds later:




Some important personalities:

1) Abbath (Immortal) (I think you already know him)







"I want you for gay butt sex!"
"I want you to vote for me!"



Abbath Doom Occulta guitarist and vocalist for the Black Metal band Immortal has announced his candidacy for the President of The United States of America. In a move that shocked the enitre metal community Abbath has vowed to emerge from the Black Metal underground and form a Bi-Partisan partnership to resolve the growing economic crisis that faces this great Nation. Abbath has also vowed as the headline above shows to end Global warming which will in turn eliminate the need for wasteful "pork barreled spending and other ear marks". Upon news of this John McCain remarked "this reminds me of the when I was a young Senator when Regan was in office". While Barrak Obama replied "hey I'm a Senator too". The Abbath campaign has not yet released the list of potential candidates for Vice President but experts have compiled a list of possibilites which includes known republican and NRA supporter Ted Nugent. The potential selection of Nugent shows that Abbath is also for Hope and Change and ready to cross party lines to make America great again.
Source
Oh! The Scales fell from my eyes! This is obviously the final solution for every problem humanity has to face: Turning the whole world into a grymm and frostbitten Norway....




2) Gaahl (Gorgoroth) (the most evil man alive...)














3) Varg Vikernes (Burzum)



Tightest Gangsta in da hood breakdancing:



Cunt... uhhh... I mean Count Grishnackh loves kittens...



His extraordinary hobbies:




Some random crap







I think only Germans can understand this:











EDIT²: Added the following 3 pics

Here we have an extremely rare and shy specimen ov a Black Metaller, encountered in its natural habitat, the icy, cold and frostbitten landscapes in the Northest ov the North...




Translated into English:
"Daddy?"
"Get the fuck out..."

The Lord ov Epik Grymness doing some unholy, blasphemik, christraping, goatworshipping rituals in the dark, forgotten woods of Transsylvania...





Now I think it´s time for some videoclips...

The 10 most ridiculous Black Metal pics of all time

The 10 most ridiculous Black Metal videos

Well, isn´t Dark Kirchensteuer the KVLTest bandname evah...?
I enjoyed #2 the most, so here´s the full-length version:

Immortal - The Call Of The Wintermoon

Holy Shit! How can you take these guys serious?
Everytime I watch this video I have to ask myself: What the hell did they think when they shot this clip. This is just hilarious.
It looks like some children dressed as magicians playing "hide and seek" in the woods during carneval.

For those who can´t get enough from this piece of art, here´s a liitle remix
And another one

Omg, i fell from the chair because of laughing when I saw this scene:



Abbath is really a passionate dancer

EDIT²:
Here´s a totally hilarious article from Uncyclopedia about Black Metal that complements my article perfectly.
some excerpts:
[...]Instead of saying "this album was recorded in 2008", say "this abomination was infernally necrospawned from the pandemonic womb of Sathanas in anno MMVIII". You could also make everything sound self-deprecating, like "this noise was vomited forth from the smelly cunt ov Lilith" or include songs that are nothing but the lead singer urinating.[...]

[...]It is very important that you do not utilise ordinary grammar and spelling. In DER BLAKK MEHTVL SPE4K, those are secondary, while DER GRYMMNEZ of DER SPEVK is fundamental. Never say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Nekro Norsk Arysk Blækk Mettal. [...]

[...]And Finally...

“Excuse all the blood”

~ Dead on being dead

Kill yourself, leaving an apology note for firing a gun indoors and a gruesome scene that, if discovered before their stabbing contest, could be photographed and used later as a bootleg album cover by the rest of the surviving members, after they've finished eating your brains off of the ceiling.

Have fun!
[...]
EDIT³:
Another amazing article about Black Metal found on Encyclopedia Dramatica

If you also want to become tr00 KVLT and start your own BM band but you can´t find an appropriate band name, check out Spitfire´s Frostbitten Band Name Generator of DOOM
Why not use
"The Enslaved Void of Frostbitten Shadows" ,
"Unknown Lifeless Corpses of Entombed Funerals" ,
"Haunted Warfares of Old Forgotten Mountains" ,
"Transylvanian Commands of Painful Wraths"
"The Satanic Spell That Turns You Into a Satanic Bible of the Burning Memory"
or my personal favourite:
"Homosexual Gaahl's Rainbowcolored Hellbirds of the Unknown Hell Journey"
Yeah, I know they´re not as KVLT as " Dark Kirchensteuer" but who actually cares...

The Black Metal Dialogues

Dave Hill is obsessed with Norwegian Black Metal, the exciting musical genre brought to international prominence in the early '90's thanks to a series of church burnings, murders, suicides, and other surefire attention-getting devices.
Recently his desire to become part of the scene reached such a fever pitch that he couldn't help but reach out to a longtime member of the Norwegian Black Metal community. (Mysticum)
Fearing for his own life however, he wrote to him not as himself but as his alter ego- a 19 year-old kid from Gary, Indiana named Lance, frontman, leader, and sole member of the self-proclaimed greatest Black Metal band ever, Witch Taint.
The following is their unaltered e-mail correspondence.

Little excerpt:
---------------------------------------------------------
Friday, March 25, 2005 3:40 PM
FROM: MrLouRawls@aol..com
TO: saiihtam (e-mail address removed)
SUBJECT: Witch Taint Rising

dear saiihtam,

alas, it has been a while since we've spoken. i write to you from a state of blackness that is blacker than anything even i have ever experienced before. and that means a lot coming from me, the king of black metal and about 50 other fucking things. anyway, i wanted to give you an update on the latest happenings with witch taint and our upcoming release on your label. i'm sorry for not sending you any new mp3's. since our last correspondence, i fired everyone in the band and got in a huge fight with my mom so she wouldn't let me hold auditions in the basement for like a month until i did some bullshit around the house for her. anyway, the time off has done me well. the music i am writing right now is the most evil and blackest music ever recorded in my humble opinion. i realize pretty much no one but me could even handle it (and believe me, i can barely take it myself), but i look forward to unleashing the unholy taint on the willing. how are things with you? really black i hope. what is the latest with mysticum? i am still very much interested in using them as my backing band when i come to norway. speaking of which, can you recommend any venues where i might set up shows? preferably, i would like to perform in a forest or a cave, but i suppose i would need to rent a generator for this. do you think one of the guys in mysticum could take care of this? please let me know. also, i would like to do some shows with mayhem if possible. since it's witch taint's first time in norway, i would be happy to open for them. i will be sending you new mp3's soon. please make sure any pets or sharp objects are out of the room before listening.

blacker than the blackest of the black,
lance, the king of black metal now and forever

------------------------------------------------------------------



OK, this journal has become even longer than I expected so I´m going to finish here.

Now, start bitching around about my music taste and my opinion and start those endless discussions about different metal genres and Tr00ness.



Edit³: June 17th 2009: 100 comments reached in only 5 days

I know this is really old but nonetheless also quite funny...

For those who don't already know:

In order to understand the differences between each metal style, let's imagine a certain situation and its outcome, according to each style of metal:

"High above in a castle, there's a princess who was kidnapped, locked in there and is now "guarded" by a terrible huge menacing dragon"...
POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her...easy and quick.

HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few
beers and fucks the princess.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave........ without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

BRUTAL DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

GRIND
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. Thats the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to thank the protagonist he replies, "Sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny dork anyway.

GRUNGE
The protagonist doesn't get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won't go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other grungers due to the over consumption of white cider.

POP-PUNK
The dragon can't eat the protagonist because he can't catch him because he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won't fuck him either, because he likes ska.

=============================================================
found on Metal Storm:

101 Rules of Power Metal

The Epic Sequel to the 101 Rules of Power Metal

101 Rules of Progressive Metal

101 Rules of Black Metal

101 Rules of Death Metal

101 Rules of Thrash Metal

101 Rules of NWOBHM

101 Rules of Nu Metal

196 Rules of Doom Metal

To introduce the subject, let's begin with easy stuff..


Paul Gilbert - Silence Followed By A Deafening Roar
It's a nice fusion album with an old fashioned style and great technical and musical skills.
Different style for each song but each time it is good. I suppose you might prefer that to Yngwie..
Just to spend a good time remembering the good old days..



_______________________________________________

I put the level higher with that highly hype-friendly thing that is coming now..

Adebisi Shank - This is the album of a band called Adebisi Shank
Crappy name but who cares ?
The music is hardly the most interesting 'indie' thing I've heard for years. Not very hard to listen because not aggressive but with nice rhythmical structures and atypical melodies..
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED FOR YOUR TIRED EARS



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It's getting more serious from now on with jazz metal related stuff...!

Continuo Renacer - Continuo Renacer
Great death metal riffing and crazy heaven/hell ambiance and killer basslines. THE STUFF YOU NEED
You have new surprises at every single riff. Great song structures even if it is sometimes too badly puzzling for mind.
Not that accessible but extremely hot



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Something close to that but with few metal influences and more jazz/fusion structures :

Exivious - Exivious
great jazz fusion album. Very dreamy and sometimes powerfull. For guys interested in Allan Holdsworth 's works and more widely in jazz/rock, fusion scenes.
This stuff features members of Cynic and Textures




_______________________________________________

In a much dark spirit but incredibly great too :

Fredrik Thordendal's Special Defects - Sol Niger Within
This is great. The Meshuggah guitarist solo project with some talented drummers. CRAZY AS HELL. THIS IS PURE CREATIVITY !
It is pure acid death trip from the first riff to the last breathe.
It is not 100% instrumental but who cares..



_______________________________________________

Now this is officially my discovery of 2009 and definitively my favorite stuff for the decade to come :

Bulb - Best of Misha Mansoor
This is the most head banging stuff since Meshuggah's Great Period. It transport you into a magical world.
It is both melodic and tough guy themes. Disney + Cannibal Corpse + Musical talent.
It is pure creativity. A lot of things happens but it is 10 000 miles far from boring tech stuffs as you may have listen to in your life. Every second is great.
Listen to this. Because You're Worth It.

[update] OH GOD !!!! Actually, Bulb seems to be Periphery's guitarist. You can find a 100 songs demo (6h). It's only pure awesomeness ! really the most impressive stuff i ever found. No jokes. Some Meshuggah's cover. Great but really great as hell riffing and song architecture.
PLEASE DISCOVER IT AND BUY THEIR ALBUM AS SOON AS IT WILL BE RELEASED !!!!!
(some singing but most of this is instrumental-oriented)


_______________________________________________

Okay let's continue with some hype-related shit..



Don Caballero
I Don't know what album I can advise to start with.. maybe What Burns Never Return or Second
If you are educated, you may recognize the voice samples on Slice Where You Live Like Pie



_______________________________________________

To be honest, I haven't had the time now to listen more to
Canvas Solaris and Dysrhythmia but it seems to be good stuff.



_______________________________________________

And now, some others works not a hundred per cent instrumental but in the same spirit :


Spiral Architect A Sceptic's Universe
The voice is quite strange for the style but the riffing is deadly insane. Not that violent but nice rythmic structures



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I know that you are well british-model educated so I don't make you the abasement to talk about Meshuggah



_______________________________________________


Martyr
Every single riff is pure gold. Strongly recommended.



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for technical fans, have an ear on Obscura album, but I suppose if you've read to this, you might be knowing that.

1. Immolation
2. Death
3. Cryptopsy (only with Lord Worm)
4. Gorguts
5. Suffocation
6. Visceral Bleeding
7. Incantation
8. Carcass
9. Sinister
10. Monstrosity (first two albums)
11. Bolt Thrower
12. Mithras
13. Asphyx
14. Cynic
15. Sadist
16. Atheist
17. Nocturnus
18. Pestilence
19. Alchemist ( =/ )
20. Grave
21. Spawn of Possession
22. Morbid Angel
23. Defiled (Underrated Brutal Technical Death Metal from Japan)
24. Martyr
25. Origin
26. Hour of Penance
27. Gorod
28. Odious Mortem
29. Iniquity
30. Defeated Sanity
31. Unmerciful
32. Insidious Decrepancy
33. Blotted Science
34. Continuo Renacer (instrumental "Death"(93-98) worshippers)
35. Lykathea Aflame
36. Hate Eternal
37. Illogicist
38. Demilich
39. Disharmonic Orchestra
40. Scrambled Defuncts
41. Wormed
42. Gorgasm
43. Malignancy
44. Sleep Terror
45. Augury
46. Human Mincer
47. Goreinhaled
48. Phlebotomized ( unique )
49. Dead Congregation
50. Obituary

P.S.

Some bands that i dont like or even hate them lol :

0. polish death metal =/

1. Vader

2. Aborted

3. Decapitated

4. Beneath the Massacre ( Dont trust tags those kids play pure Deathcore)

5. Asphyxia (Aus) ( kids who think that they are tAff... )

6. Anata

7. Dying Fetus

8. Extol

9. Psycroptic ( weak guitar tone + tic tacing drums=annoying )

10. Gorerotted

30 questions about your top 30

1. How did you get into 29?
Discovered Spawn of Possession on last.fm I believe, read some reviews on MA.

2. What was the first song you ever heard by 22?
Continuo Renacer - ...& the Harmony Therapy. Was blown away.

3. How many albums by 13 do you own?
Uhm I have like 4 Gorguts albums. Obscura and From Wisdom to Hate are their best.

4. What is your favorite song by 5?
Jesu? Shit, definitely Lifeline.

5. What is your favorite song by 15?
The Circle's Gone, even though it's technically a Portal song.

6. Is there a song by 6 that makes you happy?
No.

7. What is your favorite song by 10?
Andy McKee is brilliant. Ouray is the best.

8. What is a good memory you have involving 30?
Sitting outside listening to thrash metal, sunbathing.

9. Is there a song by 19 that makes you happy?
Conceiving You is beautiful.

10. How many times have you seen 26 live?
0.

11. What is the first song you heard by 23?
Um. The End of The Beginning

12. What is your favorite album by 11?
The Mystery

13. Who is your favorite member of 1?
Mogwai are awesome. All of them Goddamn.

14. Have you ever seen 14 live?
No. Could though.

15. What is a good memory involving 27?
Making a pixel-art house, haha.

16. What is your favorite song by 16?
That Right Ain't Shit, or There is No There... Alot of emotional memories with The Books.

17. What is your favorite album by 18?
The Ties that Bind.

18. What is your favorite song by 21?
Sinusoid Mirage, love it so much. It's like twisted carnival music with prog rock.

19. What is the first song you heard by 25?
Extreme Unction or something equally insane. Nearly blew my head off.

20. What is your favorite album by 2?
Seeing as I only ever owned one album...I don't know.
Takk. What a masterpiece.

21. What is your favorite song by 3?
Bjork - Cocoon.

22. What is your favorite song by 8?
Stream of Consciousness or Touching the Absolute.

23. How many times have you seen 17 live?
Zero.

24. What is the worst song by 12?
mum don't write bad songs.

25. What was the first song you heard by 28?
Haha, Akira Yamaoka. Whatever the first piece of music you hear in Silent Hill 2 is.

26. What is your favorite album by 7?
Destroy/Erase/Improve

27. What is your favorite song by 24?
Nocturne in G Minor.

28. Is there a song by 9 that makes you happy?
No.

29. What is your favorite album by 4?
Unorthodox Creative Criteria.

30. How many albums do you own by 20?
Giant Steps and Blue Train.